Now for some fun stuff...

Now that all the serious and scary stuff is over with (for now anyway....life keeps it coming eventually right?), time for something fun. Something I've been wanting to do for a while now. Something I have primarily been waiting on due to health stuff and some low iron issues that should be better in the coming months.....TATTOO PLANNING!!! Yah. Thought I had outgrown that desire with my approaching forties did ya. Never! I love skin art. I love it on others. I love it on me. I love hearing about the stories behind pieces chosen. I love it even when it doesn't have a fancy story to tell and that the answer to the why is simply "because I wanted it" or "it's pretty". Why not. Why shouldn't you get something that you simply find pretty and no deep rooted sentimental story or reason for it. Life is so damn short and we should enjoy it. Enjoy it for ourselves and not worry so much about what those around us might think. Don't worry about it so much. If it makes you happy, do it.  Life does come with some responsibilities and everyone should fulfill those to some degree. But a tattoo on my body, now how could that possibly harm anyone. I don't know if I will get to live to see my 39th birthday. I may see my 99th. Who knows. But one thing I do know is I will live this life of mine happy. I want to be happy. I will do what I can to be as happy as I can in this life. Yes there are times where I will be sad. There will also be times for stress, worry, anger and grief, but I will be happy where and when I can make it happen for myself.

A tattoo making me happy. Superficial maybe? Perhaps. But simple. Simple happiness. I like that. I like simple. That makes me happy.

Here are a few pictures in case you are curious as to what this next tattoo might look like....(oh I am so excited).

Placement of the tattoo....in this picture, the image is nothing like what I will be getting but the placement of this next tattoo is precisely where I want it done. Yah!

Image idea....I want to have sunflowers done. This will be a dedication to my mother. Here is a picture I found that I love and want my tattoo to resemble the style. I like that the stems and leaves are black and white and the flower is the only color. It will balance out the other black and white half sleeve that I have on the other arm. Somewhere in there will be written 'Je t'aimais, je t'aime, j'aimerai', and '1950-2008' again for my mother. Also in it will be 3 mini butterfly shadows in black (for the 3 babies I lost) and 1 monarch butterfly (for my beautiful grand-maman Jeannette).

Also being planned is a smaller one on each wrist. My left wrist will have 'Simon' written out in a grey shadow ink with Julian in colors sort of overlaying the 'Simon'. Simon is my dad's name (as well as my son's middle name) and will be written out in my dad's exact handwriting and 'Julian', my son's name' will be written in his handwriting as well. The right wrist will be the same idea except for 'Ginette' in the grey, my mom's name (and daughter's middle name), with 'Sophie' in color, my daughter's name.

Anyway, it's still in the planning phases and I still need my iron levels to raise but I am confident that by Christmas, I should be able to begin this masterpiece that will be mine and mine alone. Of course you can stare at it all you want. I will be wearing it proudly. It's funny. I remember when my mom first discovered that I had gotten a tattoo (and then two and three and etc.) she couldn't help but feel sad that I had marked the body that she had created. But once she saw them, and knew that I was still me and unchanged, she liked them. She said that as much as she had resisted accepting them, she liked them on me and just knew that they belonged. She was quite an awesome lady in more ways than one!

Je t'aimais, je t'aime, je t'aimerai!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85lKsSCZm4k

Next stop? My healthy future!

Most of you already know but on August 29th, at approximately 11:15am, I got the news from my oncologist that I.AM.CANCER.FREE!!!! I have to say there's a lot of news in life that is good such as the birth of a baby, a good grade in school, an old friend coming to visit, but nothing will top off hearing those words from your doc. Nothing. It took me a few days to come down from the high of that news to be able to sleep through the night. Phew. I can breath again.....

Pathology showed a few cysts on the ovaries and one on the right fallopian tube which were benign and the cancer only on the cervix. Now that it has all been removed I am all good. No treatments as previously told and just regular follow ups in the years to come. YAH!

Recovery from surgery has generally gone great. I have had some harder days but mostly good. I am being quite disciplined when it comes to the cleaning of stuff and keeping myself 'busy' with some watching of 'Friends' (almost done nine seasons in less than 5 weeks), some knitting (approx. 10 hats, 4 scarves, half a sweater and starting on some mitts), reading (on my 4th book) and a tad bit of whining to the hubby that I am bored and will you drive me Shoppers Drug Mart to browse or to Starbucks for a yummy coffee. I've had some visits from family and friends, some phone calls, a three day vacay at the family cottage, a psychic medium party at my BFF's and powerful and emotional day of raising awareness for ovarian cancer with some pretty fabulous ladies. I am quite pleased to announce that this year, with all of your support, my team of 'Dances in the Rain' has raised $3,625 for Ovarian Cancer Canada. Those funds will go to help women diagnosed with ovarian cancer, to educate everyone about this disease as well as research to help find a early detection test. This was my 6th year walking and I get more inspired to keep helping with each and every year. Thank you for all the support I've gotten. Means the world to me and my family.

I'm now down to one more week off from work. I am both excited and nervous to return. I am feeling ready and yet not. It will be a slow transition into full time hours as sitting for long periods of time are still challenging as well as the stamina to last a full day without resting. As the doctors predicted also, I have now started getting 'shocked' in my belly as the nerves reconnect. I can only describe it as and electrical heat storm in my belly or like there is someone hiding inside and every so often taking a tazer to where my uterus used to be. A simpler description would be - NOT FUN! But the nerves reconnecting is a good sign that things are progressing and hopefully the muscles will e strong and connected soon to help support me in an upright position or a sitting position.

Well it's been the adventure. Thanks for coming along. It was stressful and scary at times but there were also many beautiful and inspiring moments. I can't go back so the way I see it, is I wouldn't change a thing of how it was done. I have survived. It will help me see future challenges in a new light and with the knowledge that it can be done.

I can't WAIT to see what the future brings.

XOXO

I made it....

Well I know it's been a tad more than a week and most of you already know this but.....I MADE IT THROUGH!!!! It has taken me this long to touch base simply because I did have one challenge...sitting. But I am able to sit for a bit now without needing the hard drugs.

So for the details, here they are, and bare with me.....it starts on the Thursday August 1st where I was not allowed to eat. Well, I was but just clear fluids....for a whole day....no fruit, no grains, not candy!!!! I was not liking this part one bit. But if I have to put things into perspective, at least this meant I didn't need some medical intervention to empty my bowel. Eeek, I'll stick with the fluid thing thank you very much. Friday morning's arrival time at the hospital was 6am so at least I didn't have another half day to sit and starve. My dad, my wonderful dad picked me up and drove me once again to the hospital and stayed with me until once again, I was dressed in my lovely hospital fashion, set up in bed, meds in my belly, and the porter came to escort me to my big 'performance'. Operation Room 9 this time. I did get to see my oncologist and surgeon before getting put to sleep this time which was strangely comforting. Nothing like seeing into the eyes of the person who was about to cut you open and rip some of your parts out. What can I say, I guess I wanted to make sure she had her morning java and a good hearty breakfast in her before beginning. If you read back on the last surgery, it's quite similar: anesthesiologist playing with my hand, heart probes going on my chest, warm blankets, tears, mask and sleep.....(this surgery was scheduled to be about 3 hours and I was put to sleep through IV and mask as well as breathing tube inserted but the breathing tubes was only going down my throat once I was asleep and removed while still asleep). Then there was light....the good kind....NO not the big bright shining light with a gentle yet strong hand reaching out to me, but the overhead light to the recovery room with my nurse asking me about pain levels, who was I and where was I. Apparently I wasn't able to answer because my face was so scrunched up from pain that they were inserting pain meds in many places that would allow for fast absorption (use your imagination there).  Once I was down to about a pain level of 5, they were able to instruct me on the push button that would inject me every 6 minutes with morphine. Let me tell you, 6 minutes doesn't normally sound like a long time but there was a period of about 2 hours where those 6 minutes were hard to be patient for. Nothing made me as happy as that little green light flashing indicating to me that I was ready to push for another morphine shot.

To make this not too lengthy, yes the pain was tremendous. Yes I was not in my happy place. Yes the transfer from the stretcher to my room for the next three days was hell on earth (kinda wanted to bite my porter's head off). Yes I hated being connected from a few body parts to machines and tubes. Yes I didn't like the feeling it gave me of being drugged up. Yes the hospital food was Blah (and I did mean to write that with a capital B) but you know what? There were also some great things. My nurses were Fabulous (with a capital F). My sister Camille stayed with me every single minute of those 4 days in the hospital. She tended to me like I have never been tended to. She went above and beyond the call of duty for helping a sister out. The sun was shining. My pillow was non stopped fluffed. I felt the love of close ones. I got a few visits that cheered me up (some expected and some not) but most of all, I made it through. I lost some internal stuff but gained a ton of strength. I did this thing that is tremendously scary, that if I could have, would have run as fast as I could in the opposite direction but I didn't. With my family and friends around me, I faced it and did it. A week and a bit later, I am home, eating, resting, reading, watching probably a tad too much of 'Friends' and smiling a whole lot. All in all, this has been a positive experience. Weird that I can say that but I am.

Next step is to see my oncologist at the end of August to get the pathology results. I am confident, as is she, that everything will be good. She said that everything looked good, so for now, I will go with that and am confident that will be her final words. There may be some weird times ahead with the menopause stuff but so far so good. Nothing to report on so hope that continues. I look forward to my iron levels going up finally, to gaining some energy and from this point on, face each new fear with a straighter back and bigger smile.

Thanks everyone for the support, kind words, flowers, books, DVD's, candy. I could not have done this without all that. I hope that I can somehow repay each and every one of you. How about I try by living each day with a new attitude, new outlook and new energy. I'm gonna be around for a long time so hope that works for ya all.

WHAM! BAM! POW! I did this.

XOXO

Change of plans....

As much of a planner as I am, I have to also understand and come to terms with plans sometimes changing.....and this time they have. Over the last week I have gotten more information that has impacted my decision about my ovaries (to keep of not to keep...). I have once again been rejected by CHEO Genetics for testing. The way they function is they make up a percentage of your increased risk factor dependant on your family medical history, what cancers are present in the family, who had them, how distant a relative are they, how old were they at diagnosis, how old were they when they died, etc. So the number that was generated for me has not changed since I first inquired about testing back in 2010. Even though there is male breast cancer in the family (which I was told male breast cancer is always caused by a mutation) it is too distant from me. Also with mom having ovarian cancer, just one close relative is not enough for them to put you through to testing. They qualify you for testing when two close relatives would have either ovarian, breast or colon. Or they would have qualified me had mom had breast AND ovarian cancer. My cancer, cervical cancer, doesn't change their views or doesn't make them feel I should get tested. I've been having a real hard time fully understanding their concepts on how they accept some, reject some. I am not just someone who has nothing going on asking to get tested for the damn fun of it. I have a particular situation that would probably grant me some sort of peace of mind or a better view of the big picture to help make some pretty serious decisions toward my future. Alas, I was upset, angry, quite angry....but I don't like to hang onto anger for too long so it's passed, and I've accepted.


So here I was, yet again, with a big decision to make. To keep or not to keep. I took a step back, away from the emotional attachment of the memories of 5 years back. I had to look at how I function, what my habits are and what I would be most comfortable with moving forward. The thing was, I had to make a decision but I had to make one knowing I would not be able to go back and be comfortable with that. Menopause is a natural part of life. All women go through it (if we are so lucky to reach that age and continue to live on much later). It is natural. It's been studied. It is manageable. Ovarian cancer is NOT manageable. I think if I decided to keep that one lone little ovary in, to what, avoid some hot flashes and postpone the inevitable for maybe 10 years if I was lucky and then got ovarian cancer, would I regret not having removed it all, knowing I could have done something to avoid the mess of chemo and cancer in another part of my body. Would I be able to live with that? NO. I would not have. I would have kicked myself. I could have done something about it. I could have removed it all and managed menopause. But it would be too late. I can't live with that. So there you have it. Ovaries are getting removed along with all the rest of the kit and kaboodle. In less than two weeks, I will be a post-menopausal woman and I will deal with the changes that come with it one by one. With that decision made, I feel comfortable. I feel at peace with it. I feel ready to take this on (mind you scared shitless nonetheless).

I have 4 days of work left and can barely think straight. I just hope that I don't have any important decisions to make during these last few days cause I am sure I don't make any sense. I am not sleeping much, not thinking about much else than what is around the corner. I don't want August 2nd to get here yet I can't wait for August 2nd to get here. See, told ya I am not making sense of things.....

A few lines from the book I am reading....

'For One More Day' by Mitch Albom

Page 172-
I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart. ...


It's been that kind of day....

The latest....not necessarily the greatest....

This week was a busy week. This week was an intense week. This week felt very hard and I felt I had to make one of those hard life decisions that you just don't know you are making quite the best decision...this being said, I feel as good as I can with my decision and feel I made the best one for this time in my life and based on the information I do have at this time.

Wednesday I had a full abdominal and pelvic ultrasound. This was done to look at all the organs (pancreas, liver, bladder, gallbladder) as well as to check in on my kidneys....if you read my previous post, you'll understand my excitement when I announce.....I have two kidneys, and two functional kidneys. Pretty thrilling. Yes I am hanging on to every ounce of good news at this point. All looks well from what they can see, although they find my uterus is quite larger than the normal uterus. There I go again needing to be different in one way or another. LOL.

My decision: I have chosen, with the support of my oncologist, to keeping in one ovary until I have more genetic information. I just feel better knowing that if the genetic information comes back stating a mutation, that I can still do something about it, and I would very quickly. But if the genetics came back saying all looks well, no mutation is present, then I would be glad to not have to face menopause until naturally started (hopefully in my late 40's, or early 50's).

So surgery is scheduled: Friday, August 2nd. It's quick but I guess this is a good sign. Genetics is now trying to get me in ASAP but nothing is guaranteed. The surgery will remove cervix, uterus, both fallopian tubes and one ovary. My doctor will decide which ovary looks the healthiest and remove the other. Of course there is a possibility that she does feel the need to remove both and I leave that call to her, being the expert and all. Hopefully I will get in to speak with the menopause specialist next week in case it does happen. The surgery will be quite intense and so will recovery seeing as the incision was decided as a vertical one. The reason I was given is because of the large uterus, they need to get a good look to see what is going on in there and if they do a bikini line incision, it`s hard to get a good look. All for the best. The way I am looking at this is that the scar will represent survival. It may take me a while to completely accept such a huge scar on my stomach but will hopefully reach a point of thinking that way. Because of this surgery, I will have been given the chance to a longer life, more years with my gorgeous husband, to see my beautiful children grow old, my sisters, dad, my friends....Recovery is a good six weeks, with a slow transition back to work. I have to say I am blessed with having such great support at work as well as I will feel some guilt no matter what with being away for so long. But hopefully I will come back stronger, more resilient, more energized.

I`m nervous, I`m excited to get the show on the road. There are still lots of questions going on in my head but that is just my nature. I question everything and the answers, as scary as they can sometimes be, bring me comfort. I feel supported by my team of doctors and they have encouraged my questions and my curiosity. Dealing with specialists is quite different than just dealing with family practitioners (although I have also been blessed with the best family doctor). You really feel that a small team has been formed, with you being a part of it, to reach a common goal.

So for now I have 3 weeks of work left, with a few appointments in there, while trying to keep calm and grounded. I`ll keep you posted on anything new from now until surgery day, and of course touch base once I am back home which will be between 3 and 5 days post surgery. If you know me, 6 weeks of resting will be quite challenging. If you want to come and keep me entertained, touch base. I am sure that at some point, I will be craving some company, some stories, gossip and laughter. Just hope the laughing doesn't hurt my belly too much. I cannot not giggle at least once in a day.

Now to start decreasing my coffee intake to avoid the massive headache I had some withdrawal at the last surgery.

XOXO

“You can't make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.”
― Michelle Obama

To keep or not to keep....

So if you read the previous post, I had met with my oncologist post surgery 3 weeks ago and was told they believed they removed all the cancerous tissue but she needed to meet with her pathology team to discuss results in further detail. Well they met, they discussed and I went back in to chat with my oncologist yesterday....I ended up going alone to this appointment and really not thinking much of it as we already knew the outcome and the steps ahead....Note to self, always bring another adult in tow to help balance the thought processes required with these types of appointments. You never know what curve balls they may be throwing at you...

Steps ahead remain the same with some slight tweeks....The surgery will now be done by the oncology team instead of the run of the mill gynecologist. So, as excited as I was to finally have managed to get that appointment booked with the gynecologist, it is now going to be cancelled. Honestly, one less doctor involved in my case is fine by me. Explaining and repeating is beginning to be exhausting. So what I need to do now and by next Thursday when I will go back yet again to chat with my oncologist is....to keep my ovaries or to have them removed when they will go in to remove the cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes. If you are thinking "why not? What's the big deal", well to me, it is a big deal. Menopause at 38 is not my idea of fun, ideal or the best option, or the only option for that matter. I was hoping to get some genetic testing done prior to having to make this decision but the feeling of my doctor is to not wait too long and to get this done. Also to add to the mix of things, I now have to look into the status of my kidneys. Surprise! I have a malformation of the uterus which I've known for years but one fun fact associated with this malformation is not only the interesting shape of the uterus but that you can sometimes only have one kidney, you can have two kidneys but only one functional kidney, or you could have two kidneys but one is not where it is supposed to be. So they need this information going forward. If I only have one functional kidney, that is fine and you can live out your whole life without any problems but could be interesting to say the least should it eventually chose to fail. Fun times. Fun times. That ultrasound is next Wednesday and comes with the fun of fasting for 6 hours and the appointment is mid-afternoon. My stomach, which already tends to get loud when hungry, will for sure be growling like a grizzly by 2pm.

As for the genetics testing, I had both my oncologist paging her counterpart in genetics to try and get me seen quickly, her assistant also on the phone with her colleague at CHEO Genetics to see about getting me in...so I know I am being cared for. What I was told is that I need to go ahead and start the process with or without the genetic info. Yikes.

So here are my options to consider:
Option 1 - sign consent form agreeing to have the ovaries removed with the rest of the 'kit' and be done with it. Then deal with the menopause stuff....
Option 2 - sign consent form with stipulation that they will keep one of my ovaries in, simply so I do not go into premature menopause. Then once I have genetic testing, if I have a mutation in BRCA1 and BRCA2, then go back under the knife to have the last ovary removed. (yes it's an extra surgery but the way I see it, if I do not have a mutation, then my quality of life at this point would be much better with not going through all the fun stuff associated with early menopause).
Option 3 - take a chance and postpone the whole hysterectomy until I have more genetic information. Risk here is that cancer cells begin to grow again and then who knows what repercussion that would bring. 

All this being said, I'm not looking for guidance or advice or points of view but am primarily writing this as a promise to keep you all informed on the developments in my situation. Also I am writing this down as it is helping me clear my brain and will in turn help me come to a decision that I will feel comfortable with, no matter the outcome. This is my life, my body and I don't take these decisions lightly and will make what is right for me. Might not be for you and you or you, but it is for me. I have had wonderful guidance from my team of specialist, great advice and know that I am supported in whichever decision I chose to make. The support I have had from all my friends, family, colleagues to date has been so great I can't even begin to explain. It means a lot to have you all there in whichever way you are and I thank you for that.

So...to keep or not to keep....until next week my friends.....
XOXO

And the verdict is...

In short, no radiation or chemo needed at this time, and hopefully ever. Woot woot.

The longer version is that the cancer is exactly where they anticipated it to be. It's microinvasive meaning it's at such an early stage that there is no visible tumour. They won't even stage it at this point.  I had a patch of 6 mm x 1mm of cancer tissue on one side of the cervix. The uterus is clear.  They feel confident that it was all removed by the surgery I had in April. The recommended course of action is still a full hysterectomy to be done sooner rather than later. I might get more information though when I head back to see her in 3 weeks in which she will have met with her pathology team to discuss the itty-bitty details.

The Team of Experts behind my recovery
During this time, I will be referred to the gynecologist that will be performing the hysterectomy to discuss the surgery approach as well as then booking this in. From what she was saying, it could be anytime from now until the early Fall. The oncologist team won't do the surgery themselves because in their gyne-cancer world, I am not sick enough which would result in my constantly getting bumped - which is music to my ears.  Therefore the run of the mill gynecologist will do. They are recommending me for a radical which means the whole kit and kaboodle (cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries).

Also in the mean time, I am being referred to CHEO Genetics, once again, to get genetic testing to find out about any gene mutations that could cause other cancers such as ovarian/breast. Some of you know that a year back, I tried to get genetic testing to see if I had the gene mutation BRCA1 or BRCA2 which heightens your chances of ever developing breast cancer and ovarian cancer and because of the full family history, I was not considered at that much more of a risk than the general public of developing these types of cancers. Well, now with these developments to my own health, it is recommended to find out if a mutation is present and then we will have more information moving forward. Even with a radical hysterectomy, you could still develop cancers such as peritoneal which my mom had in the end (and is not a pleasant or positive one). So having this piece of info will be good for me to have, as well as my family/kids.
 
And eventually, I will have to be referred  to a menopausal specialist/counselor to discuss all the complications that can arise from early menopause and also any plan on treatment or hormone therapy. I don't know too much about this stuff so this will be informative. Apparently there are great options that are not hormone or drug related to helping to regulate all that side of things. Guess I will have to learn all this stuff.

So today was exhausting. It was jam-packed with information. Some of it made sense, some of it not. Above is a summary of the conversations and I think i've captured it as best I can. What stuck with me the most is NO TREATMENTS AT THIS TIME. I'm a little confused about having to see her again in three weeks once she's met with her pathology team. Not sure if it means that it could change the recommended path forward but for now I am going with what was told to me today.

The after effects
I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I am relieved. I am dazed. I am confused. I am glad today is over with. Now there are other things I will have to wait on as well as other health matters I will have to focus on, i.e. being the iron deficiency which my doctor is still confused about. I had started a course of getting iron injections but that is currently on hold. I had a first test dose, which made me very ill for a few hours, then a second test dose which did the same with the added effect of almost passing out. After a discussion with the doc and her having gotten advice from a clinical pharmacist, the passing out and extreme exhaustion is not from the iron injections. Now what! So the injections are on hold and we are now seeking options as to what could be causing me the need to sleep for 15 hours and still need to sleep more and more and more....First option is possibility of having celiac disease (gluten allergy). Blood work has been done yesterday so we shall see if this is the cause or if we scratch that off the list and move on to the next possible culprit. I am so fascinated by health and our bodies but yet am so frustrated by it. What keeps me going and being positive through this all is the great support system I have around me. I have the greatest friends and the greatest family who are there to listen to me complain, to come when I call, to bitch at me when I over do it with chores or activities that make me feel normal (i.e scrubbing my carpets clean with a small brush on my hands and knees for 4 hours straight - tee hee, oh and removing all my window screens and spraying them clean and vacuuming my blinds - oh snap, you didn't know about that one). All this to say, I am blessed. I am well surrounded. I am happy. I am loved. It could be worse. It always could. I see so many positives in this situation it's unreal. Weird, ya I know. But if you've known me for a while, you've also always known I've been somewhat weird. Come on now, couldn't well end this being all serious now could I?

Thanks for listening (reading). You guys all rock!!!!

Helllooooo

Here I am. Sorry for the hiatus. But no news is good news right? Well it is. I haven't had any developments in the health side of things since my last post. Well maybe a few but I'm here now so will explain.

On going issue...
I have had iron deficiency issues for years and years now and although I have been injesting copious amounts of iron pills, nothing is happening. My levels remain rock bottom low. We have tried a few things to perhaps help this iron absorbancy issue along the way but alas, nothing worked. So we have decided to go the route of iron injections. Last week was my first test dose to see how I would react.....all day, not so bad. Wake up at midnight with the most intense stomach pains and nausea. So pop the Gravol, wait thirty minutes for it to take its effect and then ahhhhhh, all better and now I can sleep. My doctor was shocked by my reaction seeing as i'd already been taking so much iron for years that she didn't seem to anticipate some of the side effects that some can have, i.e. nausea. So instead of sending me for my first full dose, sent me yesterday for a second test dose. Instead of waiting for the nausea wake-up, I went to bed with two Gravol in my body. I slept like a rock....but today, some nausea and well, almost passed out. So today is dizziness. Argh. Not a fun feeling. But thankfully the kids have both been dropped off at a birthday party so I can rest (after a tad bit of cleaning of course). I guess the lesson is to make sure I get my shots on Fridays so I can have the weekend to let the reactions happen and not be at work and have to have my co-workers pick me off the floor. I'll be getting an iron shot every two weeks for ten injections. Then we'll test my ferretin levels to see where they stand.

Music to my ears....
Thursday night of this past week, I had a wonderful experience that once again reminded me how lucky I am and how beautiful and rich my life is. My sister Camille, who works at the National Arts Center managed to get 4 tickets in row C to see the NAC Orchestra perform the music of Led Zeppelin. So the four Crôteau sisters met for a dinner at Le Café ahead of the performance and as usual, we giggled our way through dinner. And the show....OMG is pretty much all I can say about it. It was really really good. I am a fan of Zeppelin since I was at least 12 years old, but more so in my mid-teens where my room had posters of some album covers and had the music blaring from it's walls. They played so many tunes that brought back nothing but good memories. The arrangements were fantastic, the music went through my body and I found myself listening with the biggest grin on my face, not just because the music was great, but because there I was, sitting uber close to the stage with three of my favorite people in this world. Those are the moments you live for in life. Those are the moments we need to hang onto. Those are the moments that make us truly wealthy. Those are the moments that balance out all the not-so-good stuff we all have to go through at some point in life. Those are the moments that make everything OK. So going to the show was not just an experience to see a great orchestra perform some of my all time favorite tunes, it was an experience that made me feel like the luckiest gal out there regardless of what may be to come.

And now we wait....
For those wondering where things stand now, well we wait. The next appointment with the oncologist is June 6th where I will have a better idea of what lies ahead, whether it be treatments or not, and how to proceed with surgery. How do I feel about it all? Positive still, although I won't lie, the waiting is killing me and playing tricks on my mind, especially moments where I am not so busy or late at night while laying alone in the dark. Every ache makes me worry. I worry about whether after beating this one, whether something else would invade my body seeing as it now feels vulnerable. You always hear of 'so-and-so beat cancer #1 but died of cancer #2 that came years later'.  I worry about whether I am resting enough, too much, not taking the daily things the right way. As much as I want to remain in a state of normalcy, continue to proceed day by day the same as any other, I can't help but wish I could be home, taking things slow, resting up the body, resting up the mind, perhaps doing some yoga to keep the body somewhat strong and giving my kids and hubby my full energy and attention until this is all done. I am normal but I am not. My mind drifts a lot through the day, I don't feel I am proceeding to my full potential at work and those who know me know I don't like being mediocre. But I continue to try and hope to stay afloat. The bills need to be paid right.....sigh!

I'll update next after my appointment so stay tuned. Fingers crossed for nothing but good.

XOX

Being Taurus

Being a Taurus is quite great, especially in May. It means it's my birthday very soon. 38 and proud. I normally don't get thrilled or crazy about my birthday but for some reason, this year I am looking forward to it. Another year to celebrate with those I love. Why should we be scared or sad to climb one number higher on the age scale. I will squeal with each new number from this point on. That is my new measure of success. Another year means more hugs, more laughs, more time with friends and family, more time with my husband and kidlets (XOXO) and more time doing my best at enjoying all the beautiful things around me.

Back to being a Taurus.  According to one site, Tauruses are stable, balanced, conservative good, law-abiding citizens and lovers of peace, possessing all the best qualities of the bourgeoisie. Tauruses are gentle, even tempered, good natured, modest and slow to anger, disliking quarreling and avoiding ill-feeling. Equally unexpected are their occasional sallies into humor and exhibitions of fun. Another site says: Taurus is a Fixed Earth sign, ruled by Venus.  As the second sign in the zodiac, the Taurus individual is a stable, conservative, home-loving individual who will always make a loyal friend or partner.  So now for the bad...And oh yes, lest we forget, the Taurus individual is stubborn - the most stubborn of all the zodiac signs.  Once he forms an opinion, he is immovable, and nothing will change his mind. If they are provoked, however, they can explode into violent outbursts of ferocious anger in which they seem to lose all self-control.  LOL. You don't say. Stubborn? I didn't know about this aspect of my zodiac sign....well, maybe a touch, in certain circumstances, far and few between.....not convincing you aren't I. OK, OK so I am stubborn. Which is probably why after all my family's pleas to stay home the WHOLE week and rest up, I decided it was wise to head back to work on Wednesday, a mere 6 days after having surgery for removing cancer from my body. Why not. I felt good. I felt rested. I missed my co-workers. I felt I had a responsibility. Felt I had something to prove. Felt that some others have it worse and move on still. Felt guilty for laying so much in bed. Just felt ready....but like the saying goes: one step forward, two steps back. And two steps is what I have taken back. I lasted at work on Wednesday until 2pm. I should have left by noon had I been listening to my body (and parts of my brain telling me to go). I didn't though. So Wednesday night put me back where I started. Weak, exhausted, swollen, sore and in bed. Thursday, some of the same. Today, yup no change. So here I am at home still, sitting in my stretch pants (no moo-moo yet), my heated bean bag on my abdomen, warm coffee, Sarah McLachlan on the Bose and plans of resting up. As stubborn as I can be and thinking I can do it all, I am stepping back. I guess even Superwoman goes on the occasional vacay. So I look forward to this evening, having my lovely sister Julie cook me dinner, help with the kids and sleep over to keep me company and help out (and sure she is also coming to keep an eye on me and have her finger ready to wag in my direction should I try to do something more than I should be doing).

Sigh.....