As a kid you are always told "if you have nothing positive to say, then don't say anything at all...". So there. Every time I opened up my blog with the intention of writing a post, updating my friends and family, clearing my mind, nothing positive came to mind, so I closed down the blog and stepped away from the computer. Now with a few weeks to think about it, I had initially started this blog as an outlet for me mostly, but to also share with family and friends and be open, honest and vulnerable about my so called adventure through cancer. I may be cancer-free now but the 'adventure' continues and I guess I shouldn't be scared to continue to share the struggles that come with the follow ups, the new challenges with this 'new' body of mine. So in a nutshell, how am I doing? Shitty...
You know, I feel an extreme guilt about what I am about to complain about because why should I complain, especially now that I don't have cancer. 'What does she have to complain about' I can hear some of you thinking.
My body aches, I can't sleep, I keep losing weight yet eating regularly, I am distracted....
I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. All the time. It won't go away. I fall asleep in seconds when I shut my eyes but I can't sleep long. I can't seem to clock in more than 1 to 2 hours at a time. I wake often. Am restless. Can't shut down the system long enough to really catch up. I know, I know. Everyone is tired. Life is busy. We all work hard. We all have activities and priorities and everyone is tired. We are all guilty of taking on too much. I have been tired in the past. Babies not sleeping, feeding all night and I've gotten past it... There is something different about this time around. I am not sure I will find the words to explain what it different. You know, all I can think of is how I thought that once I heard the words 'no more cancer' that all would be well. I would sleep well. I could focus on the fact that I was healthy and that no 'evil beast' was living inside of me slowly morphing my good cells into bad cells. But I can't get there yet. I am feeling lost. I am feeling scared. I am feeling overwhelmed which I am sure turns into the frequent waking. It's all connected and I know this. I've also heard that with menopause comes insomnia or your body not needing as much sleep. Perhaps it's that but the fact of the matter is, if I am going to be any good to my family, my friends, my work, my kids and hell to myself, I still need more sleep. I don't buy the 'you don't need as much sleep when in menopause' story. Perhaps the not needing as much sleep is an age thing, a seniors thing but not a 38 year old surgically induced menopause thing. Not a mother of young kids who has to support a home, a family, and function with efficiency at work. Not this gal anyway. (A side thought, I hate that I was told that not much research has been done on women of my age and the effects of early menopause so it will all continue to be a mystery. Thanks. Quite reassuring).
I've always considered myself a strong and solid person, who handles stress well, can handle a heavy workload, can multi-task quite well and maintain a good level on all fronts while being positive, happy and always find time to laugh and make others laugh. I am realizing that there are limits to everything in life and I am perhaps reaching some of mine. There IS and always will be room for laughter in my life but unfortunately lately I've had to accept the constant 'water-works' that comes from extreme exhaustion with having days without sleep.
So there you have it. My update. A not so positive one. The face of the 'post-cancer' struggles. I'm good, but I'm not....but I will be....hopefully....
XOXO
