Change of plans....

As much of a planner as I am, I have to also understand and come to terms with plans sometimes changing.....and this time they have. Over the last week I have gotten more information that has impacted my decision about my ovaries (to keep of not to keep...). I have once again been rejected by CHEO Genetics for testing. The way they function is they make up a percentage of your increased risk factor dependant on your family medical history, what cancers are present in the family, who had them, how distant a relative are they, how old were they at diagnosis, how old were they when they died, etc. So the number that was generated for me has not changed since I first inquired about testing back in 2010. Even though there is male breast cancer in the family (which I was told male breast cancer is always caused by a mutation) it is too distant from me. Also with mom having ovarian cancer, just one close relative is not enough for them to put you through to testing. They qualify you for testing when two close relatives would have either ovarian, breast or colon. Or they would have qualified me had mom had breast AND ovarian cancer. My cancer, cervical cancer, doesn't change their views or doesn't make them feel I should get tested. I've been having a real hard time fully understanding their concepts on how they accept some, reject some. I am not just someone who has nothing going on asking to get tested for the damn fun of it. I have a particular situation that would probably grant me some sort of peace of mind or a better view of the big picture to help make some pretty serious decisions toward my future. Alas, I was upset, angry, quite angry....but I don't like to hang onto anger for too long so it's passed, and I've accepted.


So here I was, yet again, with a big decision to make. To keep or not to keep. I took a step back, away from the emotional attachment of the memories of 5 years back. I had to look at how I function, what my habits are and what I would be most comfortable with moving forward. The thing was, I had to make a decision but I had to make one knowing I would not be able to go back and be comfortable with that. Menopause is a natural part of life. All women go through it (if we are so lucky to reach that age and continue to live on much later). It is natural. It's been studied. It is manageable. Ovarian cancer is NOT manageable. I think if I decided to keep that one lone little ovary in, to what, avoid some hot flashes and postpone the inevitable for maybe 10 years if I was lucky and then got ovarian cancer, would I regret not having removed it all, knowing I could have done something to avoid the mess of chemo and cancer in another part of my body. Would I be able to live with that? NO. I would not have. I would have kicked myself. I could have done something about it. I could have removed it all and managed menopause. But it would be too late. I can't live with that. So there you have it. Ovaries are getting removed along with all the rest of the kit and kaboodle. In less than two weeks, I will be a post-menopausal woman and I will deal with the changes that come with it one by one. With that decision made, I feel comfortable. I feel at peace with it. I feel ready to take this on (mind you scared shitless nonetheless).

I have 4 days of work left and can barely think straight. I just hope that I don't have any important decisions to make during these last few days cause I am sure I don't make any sense. I am not sleeping much, not thinking about much else than what is around the corner. I don't want August 2nd to get here yet I can't wait for August 2nd to get here. See, told ya I am not making sense of things.....

A few lines from the book I am reading....

'For One More Day' by Mitch Albom

Page 172-
I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart. ...


It's been that kind of day....

The latest....not necessarily the greatest....

This week was a busy week. This week was an intense week. This week felt very hard and I felt I had to make one of those hard life decisions that you just don't know you are making quite the best decision...this being said, I feel as good as I can with my decision and feel I made the best one for this time in my life and based on the information I do have at this time.

Wednesday I had a full abdominal and pelvic ultrasound. This was done to look at all the organs (pancreas, liver, bladder, gallbladder) as well as to check in on my kidneys....if you read my previous post, you'll understand my excitement when I announce.....I have two kidneys, and two functional kidneys. Pretty thrilling. Yes I am hanging on to every ounce of good news at this point. All looks well from what they can see, although they find my uterus is quite larger than the normal uterus. There I go again needing to be different in one way or another. LOL.

My decision: I have chosen, with the support of my oncologist, to keeping in one ovary until I have more genetic information. I just feel better knowing that if the genetic information comes back stating a mutation, that I can still do something about it, and I would very quickly. But if the genetics came back saying all looks well, no mutation is present, then I would be glad to not have to face menopause until naturally started (hopefully in my late 40's, or early 50's).

So surgery is scheduled: Friday, August 2nd. It's quick but I guess this is a good sign. Genetics is now trying to get me in ASAP but nothing is guaranteed. The surgery will remove cervix, uterus, both fallopian tubes and one ovary. My doctor will decide which ovary looks the healthiest and remove the other. Of course there is a possibility that she does feel the need to remove both and I leave that call to her, being the expert and all. Hopefully I will get in to speak with the menopause specialist next week in case it does happen. The surgery will be quite intense and so will recovery seeing as the incision was decided as a vertical one. The reason I was given is because of the large uterus, they need to get a good look to see what is going on in there and if they do a bikini line incision, it`s hard to get a good look. All for the best. The way I am looking at this is that the scar will represent survival. It may take me a while to completely accept such a huge scar on my stomach but will hopefully reach a point of thinking that way. Because of this surgery, I will have been given the chance to a longer life, more years with my gorgeous husband, to see my beautiful children grow old, my sisters, dad, my friends....Recovery is a good six weeks, with a slow transition back to work. I have to say I am blessed with having such great support at work as well as I will feel some guilt no matter what with being away for so long. But hopefully I will come back stronger, more resilient, more energized.

I`m nervous, I`m excited to get the show on the road. There are still lots of questions going on in my head but that is just my nature. I question everything and the answers, as scary as they can sometimes be, bring me comfort. I feel supported by my team of doctors and they have encouraged my questions and my curiosity. Dealing with specialists is quite different than just dealing with family practitioners (although I have also been blessed with the best family doctor). You really feel that a small team has been formed, with you being a part of it, to reach a common goal.

So for now I have 3 weeks of work left, with a few appointments in there, while trying to keep calm and grounded. I`ll keep you posted on anything new from now until surgery day, and of course touch base once I am back home which will be between 3 and 5 days post surgery. If you know me, 6 weeks of resting will be quite challenging. If you want to come and keep me entertained, touch base. I am sure that at some point, I will be craving some company, some stories, gossip and laughter. Just hope the laughing doesn't hurt my belly too much. I cannot not giggle at least once in a day.

Now to start decreasing my coffee intake to avoid the massive headache I had some withdrawal at the last surgery.

XOXO

“You can't make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.”
― Michelle Obama