"You are cancer free". Am I really ever?

I am coming up on my one year anniversary of being cancer-free. Reason to CELEBRATE? You bet your A$$ it is. And I will celebrate. Trust me, I will. But...

“But what? There is no ‘but’”...says someone who has thankfully never had cancer. And they are right in a way but oh so wrong in another way, sadly.

The “but” for me is what happens to you —your mind, your heart, your fears, your dreams— once the cancer is gone. It's what you go through when the “doom and gloom” days of doctor appointments are long gone. Once you're done with tests, blood work, biopsies, consultations, scans, surgeries, etc., you walk into that follow-up appointment scared. You think of everything they could say, such as, "We didn't get it all", "You'll need treatment xyz" or "The cancer spread...". But alas, you hear those words you have dreamed of hearing since you were diagnosed, "YOU ARE CANCER-FREE".  You head home feeling as though you are floating instead of walking, in a state of shock. I thought that night would be the best sleep of my life, but it ended up being the start of many sleepless nights…

I have never been someone who thinks negatively but rather, I have always focused on the positives. I never had too many anxieties or worries growing up, and never held onto stresses for too long. I would always figure out what needed to be done and then did the best I could to move on, happy and worry-free. But now, not so much. I worry about my health, along with every ache and pain. I think about all the possibilities of what could attack my body. I think about my kids, my hubby, my family. I think about cancer finding its way back into my life. Although I am a strong person and live a healthy and active lifestyle, I feel physically vulnerable all the time. What if the cancer never left?. I sometimes fear that it will never be gone. Is anyone ever truly “cancer-free?”

Why is it that when I was going through cancer, I was so positive and optimistic? I was solid and focused and even though I was still scared, I had a purpose. I was on a mission to concur this beast. "No f'ing way you will take me down". I laughed a lot. I was virtually unchanged. I was ME. I went to appointments focused with my lists of questions. I did my research, I was informed, I laughed with the medical staff. I tried to turn as many of my daily interactions into a ‘Saturday Night Live’ skit as possible. I made people around me smile. I remember most of it as a 'happy’ time. But the moment you are sent home with your “get out of jail free” card, you are alone, unsupported, and left to deal with the after effects no one really warns you about. No one tells you that you will come down from that adrenaline rush to a place where you don't know what you feel, think or how to move forward in your life.

How do you explain to your loved ones that it isn't as easy as it seems, when they say "Get over it", "Don't think that", or "It's gone, so focus on that". Yes, we try to do that, but without wanting it, we think of the negative and darker stuff and especially of all those ”what if’s.” Then we struggle with the guilt of thinking those negative thoughts, so we start to lie when asked “How are you doing?”

If you ask me how I’m doing, and I answer honestly and tell you that I’m worried, please accept my answer. You asked and I answered. It might not be all sunshine, rainbows or fluffy kittens but it is where I am at. Yes I am grateful for my life and my health but I want to be OK with this second stage of feeling scared, worried, and anxious. I can't quite explain why these thoughts are poisoning my mind but I want to be allowed to go through this part and hope I can continue to have the same support I had at the beginning. My support systems are what got me through it in the first place...I guess I just need them all a tad longer than expected. 

XOXOXO

Cancer becomes part of you even when it's gone...

Sad to read that cancer continues to affect so many of us even after we are lucky enough to be cancer-free. This blogger is very brave for what she has written....

http://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/06-11-2014/Sex-After-Cancer-Going-To-Vaginal-Boot-Camp

XOXO

How I found my Zzzzs's.....or not.....

Wow, it has been a good three months since my last update. There are many a moments when I thought I had a rant to post, a positive thought or just a note to touch base with those interested or wondering what the latest was but I never got around to it, or to put it plainly, was just too damn tired....

I just read back on some of my posts and especially the last one with its title 'Reflections of a Year' and although it was appropriate with it being the year end, I almost feel like this post should hold that title also. Reason being is that today is the one year anniversary of my hearing the words "You have Cancer". Wowza. A few of my close friends have asked me when I mentioned that "Does it feel like it was just yesterday that you were diagnosed or does it feel like an eternity away"? To that I can honestly answer: BOTH.

It feels like it was just yesterday that I was sitting in the waiting room with my father, husband, sisters. There's a paragraph in a book I am currently reading that made me think of that faithful day:

    We leave the comfortable waiting room and walk through the white doors into an alternate

     universe, a sterile world where the comfortable chairs and sofas give way to plastic and metal, 

     where the warm pine yields to polymers and laminates and steel, and where the lighting subtly 

     shifts from incandescent to fluorescent... [The end of your Life Book Club by Will Schawalbe]

It did have nice calming images on the walls, comfortable chairs and sofas, soft incandescent lighting, then hearing my name be called out, and then crossing the line from the comfortable environment to that sterile hallway that brought us to that cube room with its fluorescent lighting which seems to make the healthiest of people look old, tired and drawn in. When I just think back of that little square room, sitting with my dad and hubby, waiting for the doctor to enter the room, my heartbeat raises to the same rhythm that it did one year ago, April 8th, 2013, 9:30am. I remember clearly the quiet ride home, the shock. My mind was totally blank, yet so full with thought, fear, questions...

And then it also feels like it was an eternity away. Everything that has happened since that day seems also somewhat of a fog. Perhaps this fog you place yourself in is a type of survival mechanism so you don't dwell on the shock too much. Perhaps your mind has a way of trying to push trauma (emotional and physical) to a distant place to protect you and allow you to move forward. I've had countless medical appointments since that day. I've had scans, bloodwork, tests. I've had two surgeries since that day. I've struggled back through recovery. Some days were good, some not so good. I've watched ten seasons of Friends DVD's (thanks L.V. for the bedridden entertainment). I've hit some all-time emotional lows, I've put some strain and stress onto my all too supportive family. I've seen countless doctors still, and continue to struggle through some stuff that I hope I can move past but am also trying to accept I may never.

With that year, I am forever changed. Change is not always a bad thing but it can be quite difficult and take some time. I am writing this in hopes that I will eventually believe it. I have had so much change in my life, that I was hoping for some stability. But with now having to learn this new me, this me who has been put into a sudden menopause and the shock it has placed my body in, this new me who no matter how healthy a life style I live, will always fear the return of illness and cancer, this new me with different thoughts and emotions, a body that reacts differently to things that were so familiar to me before but also this new me who is determined to be a healthy and physically fit as my body and mind will allow it to be (Spartan Race, here I come).

So in simple terms if you are wondering how I am and have been these past three months? I am OK. Not great just good. Not bad but I've seen better. Sleep? It's been worse. I think having let go of some of the anger that came with this new found insomnia has helped. I am still frequently waking, tossing and turning but am trying to let go of that anger that came with every waking. We have removed the TV from our bedroom and can no longer look at the time on the cable box and see exactly how many more hours I have to toss and turn until the morning comes. The bedroom is no longer a 'family room'. It is purely a sleeping place (and well you know....). It is becoming a more serene place and much less family action-packed. I have stopped taking any sleeping aids, other than the very natural melatonin. Prescriptions were not doing what they needed to do and then created this zombie-like Adele for the remainder of the day. I did not like having my head in a fog throughout the day. The other question I get a lot is has my iron gone up? Nope. Not one bit. Not a tad. Frustrating you say? Yup. Still working with my dr. on this front. Hormonal replacement therapy? Still working on it. First one I was given, well my body just did not want to absorb it. I seemed to be doing better with the menopause symptoms but with my young age, my hormone levels need to be kept to a certain level to help protect my bones and my heart from disease to those organs. Physical remission from surgery? Awesome, all due to a fabulous trainer I have been seeing since October. She has worked with me in a slow and progressive way that was just perfect for me. She has understood where I was, understood the place I was coming from (both emotionally and physically) and knew my vision for where I wanted to be (Go Spartan AROO)....and she has gotten me there....and more. She is sort of an angel to me. I was the one who made the call to the fitness studio looking for a trainer, but with her calling me back instead of some of the other trainers there, well the match couldn't have been any better. She rocks and I will miss her as she moves on to her new life in Toronto with her partner and soon-to-be baby girl. (I'm gonna miss you L.N. more than you will know...)

So there you have it. My update. My progress. My frustrations. My emotions. My worries. They are there. It is ongoing. It will continue to be. Life. What an adventure it is. Both fabulous and worrisome at times. All that said, I am quite happy to be where I am. I am quite lucky to be where I am.

XOXO

Reflections of a year

As I approach the new year, I can't help but think of the last 12 months, and of all the moments during those months that have changed me in ways that I did not think were even possible and that I don't' even realize yet. There were astronomically challenging moments, but what comes to mind the most are all the precious, beautiful, loving, happy moments that I have had this past year. As much as the challenging moment stands large in my memory and will continue to be a big part of me, I will jump forward into 2014 focusing on the good moments and trust that this new year will bring more of those than not.

This past year, I got cancer. Above that, I beat cancer.

This past year, I lost my fertility. Above that, I gained many many years of living.

This past year, I shed too many tears. Above that, I came out of those tears from laughter brought on by my friends and family.

This past year, I was in and out of medical appointments, met many specialists and have had way too many (at times quite painful) tests. Above that, I was in the care of a team of doctors, nurses, medical staff that I know are the best of the best. I was listened too, was given their patience when bombarded with all my questions (and trust me there were many), and never did I feel unimportant to them.

This past year, I underwent two surgeries, one being a major one that left me for days not being able to care for my basic needs. Above that, I was in the hands of love, help and trust of many but more so of my lovely and brave sister Camille who went above and beyond to make sure I was as cared for as I could be, even putting to the side her own needs for weeks.

This past year, I had weeks of not standing up to my role of being mother and home keeper. Above that, I was reminded exactly what a superhero my husband is and how he would go to the ends of the earth for me and our little family and making sure we are well, loved and provided for during the darkest of days.

This past year I started a new job. With everything going on from almost the start of this new job, I was able to function to some level, achieve some successes and make a certain mark that I can say I am proud of, even through my numerous absences. I was supported by my co-workers and backed-up many a day. So thankful I am to all of them. Without that support and understanding, there would have been many added stresses.

This past year I was reminded that what is important in life are not the things you surround yourself with, the material things but by the people that surround you. Without your friends, family and all around good people, you are missing the big piece. You could have all the money in the world, the greatest and richest items, the bigger house with all the trinkets but you would still find yourself alone and in a dark place. Because I had the love and support of countless people, I felt like the richest person alive. I felt full, complete, loved, happy, lucky. I can't say I have ever been a person who takes things for granted but this past year has reminded me more about how we need to be appreciative of all we have, especially our health. Life can change on you in a single flashing moment and then you could be brought to a place of regret, sadness, loneliness and fear.

So with this new year beaming down on you, and I will do the same, I challenge you to look around. Really look around you, at the those around you and see how very lucky you are. Cherish your friends. Laugh with them. Bail out on your cleaning and chores to have a cup of coffee with an old friend and catch up. When with your family or friends, take a moment to tell them how much fuller they make your life. Tell them how much you love them. Hug them. You have no idea the impact that will have on their lives. Let go of that last load of laundry and go down on the floor with your child and play a game of their choice. Laugh with them and see and share their joy and wonder and innocence. If you find your pet on your couch when they aren't supposed to be, let them stay a moment and join them. Go scratch their belly and pet them and feel the warmth it brings to your heart. Know that it is doing the same for them. You can deal with the hair on the cushions later. Look at the big picture. Does it matter that you have some doggie hairs on your pants? Does it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5JicO2bKec

A few months in...

So it's been close to a month since my last post and I can explain...

As a kid you are always told "if you have nothing positive to say, then don't say anything at all...". So there. Every time I opened up my blog with the intention of writing a post, updating my friends and family, clearing my mind, nothing positive came to mind, so I closed down the blog and stepped away from the computer. Now with a few weeks to think about it, I had initially started this blog as an outlet for me mostly, but to also share with family and friends and be open, honest and vulnerable about my so called adventure through cancer. I may be cancer-free now but the 'adventure' continues and I guess I shouldn't be scared to continue to share the struggles that come with the follow ups, the new challenges with this 'new' body of mine. So in a nutshell, how am I doing? Shitty...

You know, I feel an extreme guilt about what I am about to complain about because why should I complain, especially now that I don't have cancer. 'What does she have to complain about' I can hear some of you thinking.

My body aches, I can't sleep, I keep losing weight yet eating regularly, I am distracted.... 

I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. All the time. It won't go away. I fall asleep in seconds when I shut my eyes but I can't sleep long. I can't seem to clock in more than 1 to 2 hours at a time. I wake often. Am restless. Can't shut down the system long enough to really catch up. I know, I know. Everyone is tired. Life is busy. We all work hard. We all have activities and priorities and everyone is tired. We are all guilty of taking on too much. I have been tired in the past. Babies not sleeping, feeding all night and I've gotten past it... There is something different about this time around. I am not sure I will find the words to explain what it different. You know, all I can think of is how I thought that once I heard the words 'no more cancer' that all would be well. I would sleep well. I could focus on the fact that I was healthy and that no 'evil beast' was living inside of me slowly morphing my good cells into bad cells. But I can't get there yet. I am feeling lost. I am feeling scared. I am feeling overwhelmed which I am sure turns into the frequent waking. It's all connected and I know this. I've also heard that with menopause comes insomnia or your body not needing as much sleep. Perhaps it's that but the fact of the matter is, if I am going to be any good to my family, my friends, my work, my kids and hell to myself, I still need more sleep. I don't buy the 'you don't need as much sleep when in menopause' story.  Perhaps the not needing as much sleep is an age thing, a seniors thing but not a 38 year old surgically induced menopause thing. Not a mother of young kids who has to support a home, a family, and function with efficiency at work. Not this gal anyway. (A side thought, I hate that I was told that not much research has been done on women of my age and the effects of early menopause so it will all continue to be a mystery. Thanks. Quite reassuring).

I've always considered myself a strong and solid person, who handles stress well, can handle a heavy workload, can multi-task quite well and maintain a good level on all fronts while being positive, happy and always find time to laugh and make others laugh. I am realizing that there are limits to everything in life and I am perhaps reaching some of mine. There IS and always will be room for laughter in my life but unfortunately lately I've had to accept the constant 'water-works' that comes from extreme exhaustion with having days without sleep. 

So there you have it. My update. A not so positive one. The face of the 'post-cancer' struggles. I'm good, but I'm not....but I will be....hopefully....

Once again, thanks for taking the time in your lives to read my blog. You are all beautiful and wonderful.
XOXO

I'm thankful for....

I'm thankful for my health. Seems weird to some for me to say that especially thinking back at the year I just had. But I am. I am thankful that I am a solid, strong and healthy person which in turn helped me get threw my recent challenge of overcoming cancer. I am thankful that it wasn't worse. I am thankful that it was curable with the help of the right people behind me. I am thankful for my doctor who still went ahead and gave me a pap test even though I had just had one a year before and the new standards are every 3 years. Had it not been for her judgement call, taking into consideration my past and my concerns, my story could have turned down a different road. I am thankful for the nurses and doctors who took me into their hands, had patience with my hundreds of questions, my concerns on research I had done myself and who gave me the time in their offices that I needed to walk away informed and comfortable moving forward. I'm thankful for the healthcare system we do have even though we may be brought to complain about it anyway. I was given the opportunity to treatment and care without having to remortgage my house, without having to pull back on things for my kids and my family.

I am thankful for my friends. I have had the luck of being surrounded by such wonderful friends for as long as I can remember. My friends have gotten me through tough times and oh boy have we had good times. They've listened to me complain about stuff I probably shouldn't have complained about. They put up with my goofiness and my silly antics. They are beautiful inside and out and I couldn't imagine my life without each and every one of them. Whether small or big, they've all had their separate impacts on my life. I do have to make a special mention of three friends who've particularly left a mark (and not to take away from the many other friendships I've had and still have ):
Isabelle P., you've been in my life the longest of all my friends and to this day, I am still shocked that you didn't give up on me when I remember the large and thick walls I had built around me when I first walked into that new school in Quebec. I was angry, and distant, probably mean at times and yet you came, you stayed and fought to break down those walls. You had the determination of a circus trainer with a new wild lion. To this day, you are a constant in my life, we always have a good time no matter the distance between our homes and the frequency with which we see each other. It's always comfortable, safe and fun. Thank you my friend.
Melanie H., who left my life way too early and so suddenly. What a tragedy not only for me but for the world. You made every room you walked in a whole lot brighter and in my opinion, way more fun. What you brought to my life was that I learned that no matter what is happening, no matter how 'doom and gloom' you think it is, there IS a way of getting through it, that you will be OK and that humour does help get ya there. And boy did we laugh...I will never forget your smile, your strength and your love. When approaching a challenge or dark moment, I still ask myself: "how would Mel handle this one.....Thank you.
And Casey T., my dear Casey. You've just recently come into my life. So young, free, positive and funny. We got to know each other also when I had recently had some sad sad moments of losing 3 babies in that one year. And I don't know if it was the baby that was growing in you that gave me the hope that when some things go bad, there is always a light somewhere that can help you get through it. That light wasn't in me but in you and was shining on me all day with you sitting across from me. You shared with me the happiness you felt and it radiated on me and got me hooked on the person that is you. When I have something to share, I think of you first. When I want to laugh, I can count on you. When I need comfort and support, you somehow bring it with ease. When I just need a friend, you come to mind. With everything that you do bring to my life, man do I hope I can reciprocate in some way. You are fabulous my friend.

I am thankful for my family. This could go on and on but my sisters: nope, wouldn't be where I am without you. The three of you are the greatest gift, THE GREATEST GIFT ever. What more can I say. I love you with all that I am. My father, you gave me to courage and strength I needed in times of challenge. You knew exactly who I was, probably quite close to traits you have, and you knew the right things to say at the right times and moments in my life. I looked up to you and still do. Age doesn't determine when you need your parents or not and at 38, boy do I still need you. My cousins, my aunts, uncles, grand-parents, nieces, nephews. Thank you. You are part of me and because of you I have lovely and fun memories that I can always hold into when things go bad. My mother: I am at a loss...I love you. I love you. I love you. I miss you.....My husband, you are my heartbeat, my breath, my other half. We've been through good times, some challenging times but what I know is that I can't imagine a day, a moment, a future without you. Thank you especially for the level of support and strength you've brought to this last year. I would be in a way deeper and darker place if if it wasn't for you. I love you with every that I am. My kids.... again at a loss for words..... They are fabulous even when tough on me. They are sweet and beautiful even when I am tugging at the hairs in my head. I wanted you and need you. I look forward to seeing you become into what you will become. I hope I can give you what you need to get there. What I need you to know is that I am trying my best. My heart beats because of you two. I love you Julian. I love you Sophie.  My doggie, woof woof. Thank you for your snuggles. Woof.

I am thankful for my life. I have worked hard and have everything I could ever want. I have a home, friends, family, a good job, lots of things, stable health, a future. Really. I am the richest girl in the world with all that I have and all that surrounds me. This life is what I have. This life is what makes it all fit. It's what I hoped for and more. I am thankful for it all.

I could go on and on but before I lose all your interest, thank you!

XOXO

The not so nice stuff....

I'll start by saying that 'I don't have cancer'. I am trying to keep my mind focused on this statement without bringing me back to those stressful few months....but I have to focus on that statement while I face the new stuff, which every woman will have to face at some point: Menopause.

A work colleague and I recently attended an information session to learn all about menopause. This session was given by a registered nurse who works at the Women's Health Centre at the Ottawa Hospital Riverside Campus. She was fantastic, didn't stop talking for more than a second and seemed to know EVERYTHING there is to know about menopause....(picture a shocked and discouraged expression on my face at the end of the session though). My early arrival into this mystery phase of my life was surgically induced and therefore I was told could hit me harder than most (most go through a slow transition of 5 to 7 years, slowly adjusting to the symptoms). How hard can this be I thought to myself. All women go through it. So I'll be hot on occasion and not be able to have babies. Being a 'frozen' person on the best of days, I sang BRING IT ON. In a weird way, I sometimes wished I would have 'hot flashes'. And then my ovaries would stop functioning. News flash! I have none! And the big bonus....NO MORE monthly periods. So really, I thought it couldn't be that bad. I had accepted never having more children. I was looking forward to not being frozen all the time and need I express more happiness about no more periods? Seriously. Bring it on!

And now I eat my words....why is this not talked about more? Why is it the only thing we hear about menopause are the hot flashes? Did my mother try and communicate some of the other symptoms and I chose not to listen? Was I too busy laughing at the sight of her standing on the back deck mid-January in shorts and a tank with a big smile on her face? Is it because of the embarrassment about some of the other side effects of menopause?  Just like mental health, I think menopause needs to be a topic of conversation where women, as well as men become more informed about this epic and very transformative time in women's lives. We need to stand tall and not be shy about opening up about this. Yah! No periods. But now let's move on to the stuff that can literally change a person's life....

I won't go into detail in this post listing all the symptoms (still learning what they all are) but I will say it's not all about hot flashes. I will say that right now I am suffering greatly from one of the other symptoms not talked about. Sleep deprivation! Sounds simple? It's not. At the information session I attended, she made a comment that made me look at my colleague and say: I'm fucked! The Nurse said, and I quote: "It's a good thing that by the time 'most' women go through menopause, their children may be young adults and have most likely moved out of the house, and they may be approaching the end of their working careers or have already retired...". Great. I have some 20+ years of working outside of the home to go, have 2 young kids, both who are in hockey (all you hockey parents, or other activity, know how much time and energy is required to keeping that up) and have to stay healthy and sane through all of it, keep the house clean, children fed, homework done while learning to cope with this new 'glorious' time. It is making me miss the sleepless nights of breastfeeding an infant. At least then I was at home for a year, could lay down during the day and rest and did not have to maintain 'files' at work and be coherent. At least then during those exhausting wee-hours, while baby is latches to me, I could look down and be in awe of the miracle that was causing me to be OK with going about my day unshowered, dressed in leggings and not making sense when addressed (don't think that last sentence even makes any sense but I am sleep deprived people!).

The perk of having gone through the surgically induced menopause is that I have the privilege of being followed by a menopause specialist at the hospital. This is a perk that only certain women get to have, although it would come in handy for most. I am currently on an estrogen gel which I apply to the skin each and every day and will continue to do so until the age of close to 60. This should offer protection to my heart (heart disease being another side effect of menopause) as well as my bones (osteoporosis, yup also on the list). It is made to also help with what they call the 'quality of life' symptoms such as hot flashes, mood swings or depression, the sleeplessness and some of the negative sexual side effects (don't worry, I won't go into this one here - felt you all cringe). Currently we are trying to find the right dose of estrogen to help with the hot flashes and sleep. With one increase in dosage so far, I have seen a slight improvement with the hot flashes (not getting them every 20 minutes of so) but nothing yet on the sleep side of things. So for the next little while until we find a way to fix the lack of sleep, bare with me please. I may gaze off while you are speaking to me, ask you to repeat a few times, yawn at every few sentences (it's not out of boredom I promise). I will get there. I am trying different coping mechanisms. I am still the same Adèle. I just happen to be going through something that is a tad bit hard while maintaining my good rep at work which I worked so hard to earn, keeping my kids organized, fed and healthy and being happy. Honestly, right now success is arriving at work fully clothed, in shoes instead of slippers and perhaps looking a tad bit decent. Once again, thanks for listening. May you all have empty nests and be close to retirement when this happens to you. And men/women, please be patient and understanding of your spouses/partners during this delicate period. They will get through it with your support, understanding and love.

P.S. I highly recommend to all women and their spouses to attend this FREE information session given by the nurse specialist at the Riverside campus. It will open your eyes, perhaps depress you a tad bit, but at least will make you aware that what you are going through, or will go through, is normal, that you are not alone and that their are solutions to help.
http://www.ottawahospital.on.ca/wps/wcm/connect/0cd488804b25b21a8f65df1faf30e8c1/MIS+2013-14-e.pdf?MOD=AJPERES

Now for some fun stuff...

Now that all the serious and scary stuff is over with (for now anyway....life keeps it coming eventually right?), time for something fun. Something I've been wanting to do for a while now. Something I have primarily been waiting on due to health stuff and some low iron issues that should be better in the coming months.....TATTOO PLANNING!!! Yah. Thought I had outgrown that desire with my approaching forties did ya. Never! I love skin art. I love it on others. I love it on me. I love hearing about the stories behind pieces chosen. I love it even when it doesn't have a fancy story to tell and that the answer to the why is simply "because I wanted it" or "it's pretty". Why not. Why shouldn't you get something that you simply find pretty and no deep rooted sentimental story or reason for it. Life is so damn short and we should enjoy it. Enjoy it for ourselves and not worry so much about what those around us might think. Don't worry about it so much. If it makes you happy, do it.  Life does come with some responsibilities and everyone should fulfill those to some degree. But a tattoo on my body, now how could that possibly harm anyone. I don't know if I will get to live to see my 39th birthday. I may see my 99th. Who knows. But one thing I do know is I will live this life of mine happy. I want to be happy. I will do what I can to be as happy as I can in this life. Yes there are times where I will be sad. There will also be times for stress, worry, anger and grief, but I will be happy where and when I can make it happen for myself.

A tattoo making me happy. Superficial maybe? Perhaps. But simple. Simple happiness. I like that. I like simple. That makes me happy.

Here are a few pictures in case you are curious as to what this next tattoo might look like....(oh I am so excited).

Placement of the tattoo....in this picture, the image is nothing like what I will be getting but the placement of this next tattoo is precisely where I want it done. Yah!

Image idea....I want to have sunflowers done. This will be a dedication to my mother. Here is a picture I found that I love and want my tattoo to resemble the style. I like that the stems and leaves are black and white and the flower is the only color. It will balance out the other black and white half sleeve that I have on the other arm. Somewhere in there will be written 'Je t'aimais, je t'aime, j'aimerai', and '1950-2008' again for my mother. Also in it will be 3 mini butterfly shadows in black (for the 3 babies I lost) and 1 monarch butterfly (for my beautiful grand-maman Jeannette).

Also being planned is a smaller one on each wrist. My left wrist will have 'Simon' written out in a grey shadow ink with Julian in colors sort of overlaying the 'Simon'. Simon is my dad's name (as well as my son's middle name) and will be written out in my dad's exact handwriting and 'Julian', my son's name' will be written in his handwriting as well. The right wrist will be the same idea except for 'Ginette' in the grey, my mom's name (and daughter's middle name), with 'Sophie' in color, my daughter's name.

Anyway, it's still in the planning phases and I still need my iron levels to raise but I am confident that by Christmas, I should be able to begin this masterpiece that will be mine and mine alone. Of course you can stare at it all you want. I will be wearing it proudly. It's funny. I remember when my mom first discovered that I had gotten a tattoo (and then two and three and etc.) she couldn't help but feel sad that I had marked the body that she had created. But once she saw them, and knew that I was still me and unchanged, she liked them. She said that as much as she had resisted accepting them, she liked them on me and just knew that they belonged. She was quite an awesome lady in more ways than one!

Je t'aimais, je t'aime, je t'aimerai!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85lKsSCZm4k

Next stop? My healthy future!

Most of you already know but on August 29th, at approximately 11:15am, I got the news from my oncologist that I.AM.CANCER.FREE!!!! I have to say there's a lot of news in life that is good such as the birth of a baby, a good grade in school, an old friend coming to visit, but nothing will top off hearing those words from your doc. Nothing. It took me a few days to come down from the high of that news to be able to sleep through the night. Phew. I can breath again.....

Pathology showed a few cysts on the ovaries and one on the right fallopian tube which were benign and the cancer only on the cervix. Now that it has all been removed I am all good. No treatments as previously told and just regular follow ups in the years to come. YAH!

Recovery from surgery has generally gone great. I have had some harder days but mostly good. I am being quite disciplined when it comes to the cleaning of stuff and keeping myself 'busy' with some watching of 'Friends' (almost done nine seasons in less than 5 weeks), some knitting (approx. 10 hats, 4 scarves, half a sweater and starting on some mitts), reading (on my 4th book) and a tad bit of whining to the hubby that I am bored and will you drive me Shoppers Drug Mart to browse or to Starbucks for a yummy coffee. I've had some visits from family and friends, some phone calls, a three day vacay at the family cottage, a psychic medium party at my BFF's and powerful and emotional day of raising awareness for ovarian cancer with some pretty fabulous ladies. I am quite pleased to announce that this year, with all of your support, my team of 'Dances in the Rain' has raised $3,625 for Ovarian Cancer Canada. Those funds will go to help women diagnosed with ovarian cancer, to educate everyone about this disease as well as research to help find a early detection test. This was my 6th year walking and I get more inspired to keep helping with each and every year. Thank you for all the support I've gotten. Means the world to me and my family.

I'm now down to one more week off from work. I am both excited and nervous to return. I am feeling ready and yet not. It will be a slow transition into full time hours as sitting for long periods of time are still challenging as well as the stamina to last a full day without resting. As the doctors predicted also, I have now started getting 'shocked' in my belly as the nerves reconnect. I can only describe it as and electrical heat storm in my belly or like there is someone hiding inside and every so often taking a tazer to where my uterus used to be. A simpler description would be - NOT FUN! But the nerves reconnecting is a good sign that things are progressing and hopefully the muscles will e strong and connected soon to help support me in an upright position or a sitting position.

Well it's been the adventure. Thanks for coming along. It was stressful and scary at times but there were also many beautiful and inspiring moments. I can't go back so the way I see it, is I wouldn't change a thing of how it was done. I have survived. It will help me see future challenges in a new light and with the knowledge that it can be done.

I can't WAIT to see what the future brings.

XOXO

I made it....

Well I know it's been a tad more than a week and most of you already know this but.....I MADE IT THROUGH!!!! It has taken me this long to touch base simply because I did have one challenge...sitting. But I am able to sit for a bit now without needing the hard drugs.

So for the details, here they are, and bare with me.....it starts on the Thursday August 1st where I was not allowed to eat. Well, I was but just clear fluids....for a whole day....no fruit, no grains, not candy!!!! I was not liking this part one bit. But if I have to put things into perspective, at least this meant I didn't need some medical intervention to empty my bowel. Eeek, I'll stick with the fluid thing thank you very much. Friday morning's arrival time at the hospital was 6am so at least I didn't have another half day to sit and starve. My dad, my wonderful dad picked me up and drove me once again to the hospital and stayed with me until once again, I was dressed in my lovely hospital fashion, set up in bed, meds in my belly, and the porter came to escort me to my big 'performance'. Operation Room 9 this time. I did get to see my oncologist and surgeon before getting put to sleep this time which was strangely comforting. Nothing like seeing into the eyes of the person who was about to cut you open and rip some of your parts out. What can I say, I guess I wanted to make sure she had her morning java and a good hearty breakfast in her before beginning. If you read back on the last surgery, it's quite similar: anesthesiologist playing with my hand, heart probes going on my chest, warm blankets, tears, mask and sleep.....(this surgery was scheduled to be about 3 hours and I was put to sleep through IV and mask as well as breathing tube inserted but the breathing tubes was only going down my throat once I was asleep and removed while still asleep). Then there was light....the good kind....NO not the big bright shining light with a gentle yet strong hand reaching out to me, but the overhead light to the recovery room with my nurse asking me about pain levels, who was I and where was I. Apparently I wasn't able to answer because my face was so scrunched up from pain that they were inserting pain meds in many places that would allow for fast absorption (use your imagination there).  Once I was down to about a pain level of 5, they were able to instruct me on the push button that would inject me every 6 minutes with morphine. Let me tell you, 6 minutes doesn't normally sound like a long time but there was a period of about 2 hours where those 6 minutes were hard to be patient for. Nothing made me as happy as that little green light flashing indicating to me that I was ready to push for another morphine shot.

To make this not too lengthy, yes the pain was tremendous. Yes I was not in my happy place. Yes the transfer from the stretcher to my room for the next three days was hell on earth (kinda wanted to bite my porter's head off). Yes I hated being connected from a few body parts to machines and tubes. Yes I didn't like the feeling it gave me of being drugged up. Yes the hospital food was Blah (and I did mean to write that with a capital B) but you know what? There were also some great things. My nurses were Fabulous (with a capital F). My sister Camille stayed with me every single minute of those 4 days in the hospital. She tended to me like I have never been tended to. She went above and beyond the call of duty for helping a sister out. The sun was shining. My pillow was non stopped fluffed. I felt the love of close ones. I got a few visits that cheered me up (some expected and some not) but most of all, I made it through. I lost some internal stuff but gained a ton of strength. I did this thing that is tremendously scary, that if I could have, would have run as fast as I could in the opposite direction but I didn't. With my family and friends around me, I faced it and did it. A week and a bit later, I am home, eating, resting, reading, watching probably a tad too much of 'Friends' and smiling a whole lot. All in all, this has been a positive experience. Weird that I can say that but I am.

Next step is to see my oncologist at the end of August to get the pathology results. I am confident, as is she, that everything will be good. She said that everything looked good, so for now, I will go with that and am confident that will be her final words. There may be some weird times ahead with the menopause stuff but so far so good. Nothing to report on so hope that continues. I look forward to my iron levels going up finally, to gaining some energy and from this point on, face each new fear with a straighter back and bigger smile.

Thanks everyone for the support, kind words, flowers, books, DVD's, candy. I could not have done this without all that. I hope that I can somehow repay each and every one of you. How about I try by living each day with a new attitude, new outlook and new energy. I'm gonna be around for a long time so hope that works for ya all.

WHAM! BAM! POW! I did this.

XOXO