Reflections of a year

As I approach the new year, I can't help but think of the last 12 months, and of all the moments during those months that have changed me in ways that I did not think were even possible and that I don't' even realize yet. There were astronomically challenging moments, but what comes to mind the most are all the precious, beautiful, loving, happy moments that I have had this past year. As much as the challenging moment stands large in my memory and will continue to be a big part of me, I will jump forward into 2014 focusing on the good moments and trust that this new year will bring more of those than not.

This past year, I got cancer. Above that, I beat cancer.

This past year, I lost my fertility. Above that, I gained many many years of living.

This past year, I shed too many tears. Above that, I came out of those tears from laughter brought on by my friends and family.

This past year, I was in and out of medical appointments, met many specialists and have had way too many (at times quite painful) tests. Above that, I was in the care of a team of doctors, nurses, medical staff that I know are the best of the best. I was listened too, was given their patience when bombarded with all my questions (and trust me there were many), and never did I feel unimportant to them.

This past year, I underwent two surgeries, one being a major one that left me for days not being able to care for my basic needs. Above that, I was in the hands of love, help and trust of many but more so of my lovely and brave sister Camille who went above and beyond to make sure I was as cared for as I could be, even putting to the side her own needs for weeks.

This past year, I had weeks of not standing up to my role of being mother and home keeper. Above that, I was reminded exactly what a superhero my husband is and how he would go to the ends of the earth for me and our little family and making sure we are well, loved and provided for during the darkest of days.

This past year I started a new job. With everything going on from almost the start of this new job, I was able to function to some level, achieve some successes and make a certain mark that I can say I am proud of, even through my numerous absences. I was supported by my co-workers and backed-up many a day. So thankful I am to all of them. Without that support and understanding, there would have been many added stresses.

This past year I was reminded that what is important in life are not the things you surround yourself with, the material things but by the people that surround you. Without your friends, family and all around good people, you are missing the big piece. You could have all the money in the world, the greatest and richest items, the bigger house with all the trinkets but you would still find yourself alone and in a dark place. Because I had the love and support of countless people, I felt like the richest person alive. I felt full, complete, loved, happy, lucky. I can't say I have ever been a person who takes things for granted but this past year has reminded me more about how we need to be appreciative of all we have, especially our health. Life can change on you in a single flashing moment and then you could be brought to a place of regret, sadness, loneliness and fear.

So with this new year beaming down on you, and I will do the same, I challenge you to look around. Really look around you, at the those around you and see how very lucky you are. Cherish your friends. Laugh with them. Bail out on your cleaning and chores to have a cup of coffee with an old friend and catch up. When with your family or friends, take a moment to tell them how much fuller they make your life. Tell them how much you love them. Hug them. You have no idea the impact that will have on their lives. Let go of that last load of laundry and go down on the floor with your child and play a game of their choice. Laugh with them and see and share their joy and wonder and innocence. If you find your pet on your couch when they aren't supposed to be, let them stay a moment and join them. Go scratch their belly and pet them and feel the warmth it brings to your heart. Know that it is doing the same for them. You can deal with the hair on the cushions later. Look at the big picture. Does it matter that you have some doggie hairs on your pants? Does it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5JicO2bKec

A few months in...

So it's been close to a month since my last post and I can explain...

As a kid you are always told "if you have nothing positive to say, then don't say anything at all...". So there. Every time I opened up my blog with the intention of writing a post, updating my friends and family, clearing my mind, nothing positive came to mind, so I closed down the blog and stepped away from the computer. Now with a few weeks to think about it, I had initially started this blog as an outlet for me mostly, but to also share with family and friends and be open, honest and vulnerable about my so called adventure through cancer. I may be cancer-free now but the 'adventure' continues and I guess I shouldn't be scared to continue to share the struggles that come with the follow ups, the new challenges with this 'new' body of mine. So in a nutshell, how am I doing? Shitty...

You know, I feel an extreme guilt about what I am about to complain about because why should I complain, especially now that I don't have cancer. 'What does she have to complain about' I can hear some of you thinking.

My body aches, I can't sleep, I keep losing weight yet eating regularly, I am distracted.... 

I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. All the time. It won't go away. I fall asleep in seconds when I shut my eyes but I can't sleep long. I can't seem to clock in more than 1 to 2 hours at a time. I wake often. Am restless. Can't shut down the system long enough to really catch up. I know, I know. Everyone is tired. Life is busy. We all work hard. We all have activities and priorities and everyone is tired. We are all guilty of taking on too much. I have been tired in the past. Babies not sleeping, feeding all night and I've gotten past it... There is something different about this time around. I am not sure I will find the words to explain what it different. You know, all I can think of is how I thought that once I heard the words 'no more cancer' that all would be well. I would sleep well. I could focus on the fact that I was healthy and that no 'evil beast' was living inside of me slowly morphing my good cells into bad cells. But I can't get there yet. I am feeling lost. I am feeling scared. I am feeling overwhelmed which I am sure turns into the frequent waking. It's all connected and I know this. I've also heard that with menopause comes insomnia or your body not needing as much sleep. Perhaps it's that but the fact of the matter is, if I am going to be any good to my family, my friends, my work, my kids and hell to myself, I still need more sleep. I don't buy the 'you don't need as much sleep when in menopause' story.  Perhaps the not needing as much sleep is an age thing, a seniors thing but not a 38 year old surgically induced menopause thing. Not a mother of young kids who has to support a home, a family, and function with efficiency at work. Not this gal anyway. (A side thought, I hate that I was told that not much research has been done on women of my age and the effects of early menopause so it will all continue to be a mystery. Thanks. Quite reassuring).

I've always considered myself a strong and solid person, who handles stress well, can handle a heavy workload, can multi-task quite well and maintain a good level on all fronts while being positive, happy and always find time to laugh and make others laugh. I am realizing that there are limits to everything in life and I am perhaps reaching some of mine. There IS and always will be room for laughter in my life but unfortunately lately I've had to accept the constant 'water-works' that comes from extreme exhaustion with having days without sleep. 

So there you have it. My update. A not so positive one. The face of the 'post-cancer' struggles. I'm good, but I'm not....but I will be....hopefully....

Once again, thanks for taking the time in your lives to read my blog. You are all beautiful and wonderful.
XOXO

I'm thankful for....

I'm thankful for my health. Seems weird to some for me to say that especially thinking back at the year I just had. But I am. I am thankful that I am a solid, strong and healthy person which in turn helped me get threw my recent challenge of overcoming cancer. I am thankful that it wasn't worse. I am thankful that it was curable with the help of the right people behind me. I am thankful for my doctor who still went ahead and gave me a pap test even though I had just had one a year before and the new standards are every 3 years. Had it not been for her judgement call, taking into consideration my past and my concerns, my story could have turned down a different road. I am thankful for the nurses and doctors who took me into their hands, had patience with my hundreds of questions, my concerns on research I had done myself and who gave me the time in their offices that I needed to walk away informed and comfortable moving forward. I'm thankful for the healthcare system we do have even though we may be brought to complain about it anyway. I was given the opportunity to treatment and care without having to remortgage my house, without having to pull back on things for my kids and my family.

I am thankful for my friends. I have had the luck of being surrounded by such wonderful friends for as long as I can remember. My friends have gotten me through tough times and oh boy have we had good times. They've listened to me complain about stuff I probably shouldn't have complained about. They put up with my goofiness and my silly antics. They are beautiful inside and out and I couldn't imagine my life without each and every one of them. Whether small or big, they've all had their separate impacts on my life. I do have to make a special mention of three friends who've particularly left a mark (and not to take away from the many other friendships I've had and still have ):
Isabelle P., you've been in my life the longest of all my friends and to this day, I am still shocked that you didn't give up on me when I remember the large and thick walls I had built around me when I first walked into that new school in Quebec. I was angry, and distant, probably mean at times and yet you came, you stayed and fought to break down those walls. You had the determination of a circus trainer with a new wild lion. To this day, you are a constant in my life, we always have a good time no matter the distance between our homes and the frequency with which we see each other. It's always comfortable, safe and fun. Thank you my friend.
Melanie H., who left my life way too early and so suddenly. What a tragedy not only for me but for the world. You made every room you walked in a whole lot brighter and in my opinion, way more fun. What you brought to my life was that I learned that no matter what is happening, no matter how 'doom and gloom' you think it is, there IS a way of getting through it, that you will be OK and that humour does help get ya there. And boy did we laugh...I will never forget your smile, your strength and your love. When approaching a challenge or dark moment, I still ask myself: "how would Mel handle this one.....Thank you.
And Casey T., my dear Casey. You've just recently come into my life. So young, free, positive and funny. We got to know each other also when I had recently had some sad sad moments of losing 3 babies in that one year. And I don't know if it was the baby that was growing in you that gave me the hope that when some things go bad, there is always a light somewhere that can help you get through it. That light wasn't in me but in you and was shining on me all day with you sitting across from me. You shared with me the happiness you felt and it radiated on me and got me hooked on the person that is you. When I have something to share, I think of you first. When I want to laugh, I can count on you. When I need comfort and support, you somehow bring it with ease. When I just need a friend, you come to mind. With everything that you do bring to my life, man do I hope I can reciprocate in some way. You are fabulous my friend.

I am thankful for my family. This could go on and on but my sisters: nope, wouldn't be where I am without you. The three of you are the greatest gift, THE GREATEST GIFT ever. What more can I say. I love you with all that I am. My father, you gave me to courage and strength I needed in times of challenge. You knew exactly who I was, probably quite close to traits you have, and you knew the right things to say at the right times and moments in my life. I looked up to you and still do. Age doesn't determine when you need your parents or not and at 38, boy do I still need you. My cousins, my aunts, uncles, grand-parents, nieces, nephews. Thank you. You are part of me and because of you I have lovely and fun memories that I can always hold into when things go bad. My mother: I am at a loss...I love you. I love you. I love you. I miss you.....My husband, you are my heartbeat, my breath, my other half. We've been through good times, some challenging times but what I know is that I can't imagine a day, a moment, a future without you. Thank you especially for the level of support and strength you've brought to this last year. I would be in a way deeper and darker place if if it wasn't for you. I love you with every that I am. My kids.... again at a loss for words..... They are fabulous even when tough on me. They are sweet and beautiful even when I am tugging at the hairs in my head. I wanted you and need you. I look forward to seeing you become into what you will become. I hope I can give you what you need to get there. What I need you to know is that I am trying my best. My heart beats because of you two. I love you Julian. I love you Sophie.  My doggie, woof woof. Thank you for your snuggles. Woof.

I am thankful for my life. I have worked hard and have everything I could ever want. I have a home, friends, family, a good job, lots of things, stable health, a future. Really. I am the richest girl in the world with all that I have and all that surrounds me. This life is what I have. This life is what makes it all fit. It's what I hoped for and more. I am thankful for it all.

I could go on and on but before I lose all your interest, thank you!

XOXO

The not so nice stuff....

I'll start by saying that 'I don't have cancer'. I am trying to keep my mind focused on this statement without bringing me back to those stressful few months....but I have to focus on that statement while I face the new stuff, which every woman will have to face at some point: Menopause.

A work colleague and I recently attended an information session to learn all about menopause. This session was given by a registered nurse who works at the Women's Health Centre at the Ottawa Hospital Riverside Campus. She was fantastic, didn't stop talking for more than a second and seemed to know EVERYTHING there is to know about menopause....(picture a shocked and discouraged expression on my face at the end of the session though). My early arrival into this mystery phase of my life was surgically induced and therefore I was told could hit me harder than most (most go through a slow transition of 5 to 7 years, slowly adjusting to the symptoms). How hard can this be I thought to myself. All women go through it. So I'll be hot on occasion and not be able to have babies. Being a 'frozen' person on the best of days, I sang BRING IT ON. In a weird way, I sometimes wished I would have 'hot flashes'. And then my ovaries would stop functioning. News flash! I have none! And the big bonus....NO MORE monthly periods. So really, I thought it couldn't be that bad. I had accepted never having more children. I was looking forward to not being frozen all the time and need I express more happiness about no more periods? Seriously. Bring it on!

And now I eat my words....why is this not talked about more? Why is it the only thing we hear about menopause are the hot flashes? Did my mother try and communicate some of the other symptoms and I chose not to listen? Was I too busy laughing at the sight of her standing on the back deck mid-January in shorts and a tank with a big smile on her face? Is it because of the embarrassment about some of the other side effects of menopause?  Just like mental health, I think menopause needs to be a topic of conversation where women, as well as men become more informed about this epic and very transformative time in women's lives. We need to stand tall and not be shy about opening up about this. Yah! No periods. But now let's move on to the stuff that can literally change a person's life....

I won't go into detail in this post listing all the symptoms (still learning what they all are) but I will say it's not all about hot flashes. I will say that right now I am suffering greatly from one of the other symptoms not talked about. Sleep deprivation! Sounds simple? It's not. At the information session I attended, she made a comment that made me look at my colleague and say: I'm fucked! The Nurse said, and I quote: "It's a good thing that by the time 'most' women go through menopause, their children may be young adults and have most likely moved out of the house, and they may be approaching the end of their working careers or have already retired...". Great. I have some 20+ years of working outside of the home to go, have 2 young kids, both who are in hockey (all you hockey parents, or other activity, know how much time and energy is required to keeping that up) and have to stay healthy and sane through all of it, keep the house clean, children fed, homework done while learning to cope with this new 'glorious' time. It is making me miss the sleepless nights of breastfeeding an infant. At least then I was at home for a year, could lay down during the day and rest and did not have to maintain 'files' at work and be coherent. At least then during those exhausting wee-hours, while baby is latches to me, I could look down and be in awe of the miracle that was causing me to be OK with going about my day unshowered, dressed in leggings and not making sense when addressed (don't think that last sentence even makes any sense but I am sleep deprived people!).

The perk of having gone through the surgically induced menopause is that I have the privilege of being followed by a menopause specialist at the hospital. This is a perk that only certain women get to have, although it would come in handy for most. I am currently on an estrogen gel which I apply to the skin each and every day and will continue to do so until the age of close to 60. This should offer protection to my heart (heart disease being another side effect of menopause) as well as my bones (osteoporosis, yup also on the list). It is made to also help with what they call the 'quality of life' symptoms such as hot flashes, mood swings or depression, the sleeplessness and some of the negative sexual side effects (don't worry, I won't go into this one here - felt you all cringe). Currently we are trying to find the right dose of estrogen to help with the hot flashes and sleep. With one increase in dosage so far, I have seen a slight improvement with the hot flashes (not getting them every 20 minutes of so) but nothing yet on the sleep side of things. So for the next little while until we find a way to fix the lack of sleep, bare with me please. I may gaze off while you are speaking to me, ask you to repeat a few times, yawn at every few sentences (it's not out of boredom I promise). I will get there. I am trying different coping mechanisms. I am still the same Adèle. I just happen to be going through something that is a tad bit hard while maintaining my good rep at work which I worked so hard to earn, keeping my kids organized, fed and healthy and being happy. Honestly, right now success is arriving at work fully clothed, in shoes instead of slippers and perhaps looking a tad bit decent. Once again, thanks for listening. May you all have empty nests and be close to retirement when this happens to you. And men/women, please be patient and understanding of your spouses/partners during this delicate period. They will get through it with your support, understanding and love.

P.S. I highly recommend to all women and their spouses to attend this FREE information session given by the nurse specialist at the Riverside campus. It will open your eyes, perhaps depress you a tad bit, but at least will make you aware that what you are going through, or will go through, is normal, that you are not alone and that their are solutions to help.
http://www.ottawahospital.on.ca/wps/wcm/connect/0cd488804b25b21a8f65df1faf30e8c1/MIS+2013-14-e.pdf?MOD=AJPERES

Now for some fun stuff...

Now that all the serious and scary stuff is over with (for now anyway....life keeps it coming eventually right?), time for something fun. Something I've been wanting to do for a while now. Something I have primarily been waiting on due to health stuff and some low iron issues that should be better in the coming months.....TATTOO PLANNING!!! Yah. Thought I had outgrown that desire with my approaching forties did ya. Never! I love skin art. I love it on others. I love it on me. I love hearing about the stories behind pieces chosen. I love it even when it doesn't have a fancy story to tell and that the answer to the why is simply "because I wanted it" or "it's pretty". Why not. Why shouldn't you get something that you simply find pretty and no deep rooted sentimental story or reason for it. Life is so damn short and we should enjoy it. Enjoy it for ourselves and not worry so much about what those around us might think. Don't worry about it so much. If it makes you happy, do it.  Life does come with some responsibilities and everyone should fulfill those to some degree. But a tattoo on my body, now how could that possibly harm anyone. I don't know if I will get to live to see my 39th birthday. I may see my 99th. Who knows. But one thing I do know is I will live this life of mine happy. I want to be happy. I will do what I can to be as happy as I can in this life. Yes there are times where I will be sad. There will also be times for stress, worry, anger and grief, but I will be happy where and when I can make it happen for myself.

A tattoo making me happy. Superficial maybe? Perhaps. But simple. Simple happiness. I like that. I like simple. That makes me happy.

Here are a few pictures in case you are curious as to what this next tattoo might look like....(oh I am so excited).

Placement of the tattoo....in this picture, the image is nothing like what I will be getting but the placement of this next tattoo is precisely where I want it done. Yah!

Image idea....I want to have sunflowers done. This will be a dedication to my mother. Here is a picture I found that I love and want my tattoo to resemble the style. I like that the stems and leaves are black and white and the flower is the only color. It will balance out the other black and white half sleeve that I have on the other arm. Somewhere in there will be written 'Je t'aimais, je t'aime, j'aimerai', and '1950-2008' again for my mother. Also in it will be 3 mini butterfly shadows in black (for the 3 babies I lost) and 1 monarch butterfly (for my beautiful grand-maman Jeannette).

Also being planned is a smaller one on each wrist. My left wrist will have 'Simon' written out in a grey shadow ink with Julian in colors sort of overlaying the 'Simon'. Simon is my dad's name (as well as my son's middle name) and will be written out in my dad's exact handwriting and 'Julian', my son's name' will be written in his handwriting as well. The right wrist will be the same idea except for 'Ginette' in the grey, my mom's name (and daughter's middle name), with 'Sophie' in color, my daughter's name.

Anyway, it's still in the planning phases and I still need my iron levels to raise but I am confident that by Christmas, I should be able to begin this masterpiece that will be mine and mine alone. Of course you can stare at it all you want. I will be wearing it proudly. It's funny. I remember when my mom first discovered that I had gotten a tattoo (and then two and three and etc.) she couldn't help but feel sad that I had marked the body that she had created. But once she saw them, and knew that I was still me and unchanged, she liked them. She said that as much as she had resisted accepting them, she liked them on me and just knew that they belonged. She was quite an awesome lady in more ways than one!

Je t'aimais, je t'aime, je t'aimerai!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85lKsSCZm4k

Next stop? My healthy future!

Most of you already know but on August 29th, at approximately 11:15am, I got the news from my oncologist that I.AM.CANCER.FREE!!!! I have to say there's a lot of news in life that is good such as the birth of a baby, a good grade in school, an old friend coming to visit, but nothing will top off hearing those words from your doc. Nothing. It took me a few days to come down from the high of that news to be able to sleep through the night. Phew. I can breath again.....

Pathology showed a few cysts on the ovaries and one on the right fallopian tube which were benign and the cancer only on the cervix. Now that it has all been removed I am all good. No treatments as previously told and just regular follow ups in the years to come. YAH!

Recovery from surgery has generally gone great. I have had some harder days but mostly good. I am being quite disciplined when it comes to the cleaning of stuff and keeping myself 'busy' with some watching of 'Friends' (almost done nine seasons in less than 5 weeks), some knitting (approx. 10 hats, 4 scarves, half a sweater and starting on some mitts), reading (on my 4th book) and a tad bit of whining to the hubby that I am bored and will you drive me Shoppers Drug Mart to browse or to Starbucks for a yummy coffee. I've had some visits from family and friends, some phone calls, a three day vacay at the family cottage, a psychic medium party at my BFF's and powerful and emotional day of raising awareness for ovarian cancer with some pretty fabulous ladies. I am quite pleased to announce that this year, with all of your support, my team of 'Dances in the Rain' has raised $3,625 for Ovarian Cancer Canada. Those funds will go to help women diagnosed with ovarian cancer, to educate everyone about this disease as well as research to help find a early detection test. This was my 6th year walking and I get more inspired to keep helping with each and every year. Thank you for all the support I've gotten. Means the world to me and my family.

I'm now down to one more week off from work. I am both excited and nervous to return. I am feeling ready and yet not. It will be a slow transition into full time hours as sitting for long periods of time are still challenging as well as the stamina to last a full day without resting. As the doctors predicted also, I have now started getting 'shocked' in my belly as the nerves reconnect. I can only describe it as and electrical heat storm in my belly or like there is someone hiding inside and every so often taking a tazer to where my uterus used to be. A simpler description would be - NOT FUN! But the nerves reconnecting is a good sign that things are progressing and hopefully the muscles will e strong and connected soon to help support me in an upright position or a sitting position.

Well it's been the adventure. Thanks for coming along. It was stressful and scary at times but there were also many beautiful and inspiring moments. I can't go back so the way I see it, is I wouldn't change a thing of how it was done. I have survived. It will help me see future challenges in a new light and with the knowledge that it can be done.

I can't WAIT to see what the future brings.

XOXO

I made it....

Well I know it's been a tad more than a week and most of you already know this but.....I MADE IT THROUGH!!!! It has taken me this long to touch base simply because I did have one challenge...sitting. But I am able to sit for a bit now without needing the hard drugs.

So for the details, here they are, and bare with me.....it starts on the Thursday August 1st where I was not allowed to eat. Well, I was but just clear fluids....for a whole day....no fruit, no grains, not candy!!!! I was not liking this part one bit. But if I have to put things into perspective, at least this meant I didn't need some medical intervention to empty my bowel. Eeek, I'll stick with the fluid thing thank you very much. Friday morning's arrival time at the hospital was 6am so at least I didn't have another half day to sit and starve. My dad, my wonderful dad picked me up and drove me once again to the hospital and stayed with me until once again, I was dressed in my lovely hospital fashion, set up in bed, meds in my belly, and the porter came to escort me to my big 'performance'. Operation Room 9 this time. I did get to see my oncologist and surgeon before getting put to sleep this time which was strangely comforting. Nothing like seeing into the eyes of the person who was about to cut you open and rip some of your parts out. What can I say, I guess I wanted to make sure she had her morning java and a good hearty breakfast in her before beginning. If you read back on the last surgery, it's quite similar: anesthesiologist playing with my hand, heart probes going on my chest, warm blankets, tears, mask and sleep.....(this surgery was scheduled to be about 3 hours and I was put to sleep through IV and mask as well as breathing tube inserted but the breathing tubes was only going down my throat once I was asleep and removed while still asleep). Then there was light....the good kind....NO not the big bright shining light with a gentle yet strong hand reaching out to me, but the overhead light to the recovery room with my nurse asking me about pain levels, who was I and where was I. Apparently I wasn't able to answer because my face was so scrunched up from pain that they were inserting pain meds in many places that would allow for fast absorption (use your imagination there).  Once I was down to about a pain level of 5, they were able to instruct me on the push button that would inject me every 6 minutes with morphine. Let me tell you, 6 minutes doesn't normally sound like a long time but there was a period of about 2 hours where those 6 minutes were hard to be patient for. Nothing made me as happy as that little green light flashing indicating to me that I was ready to push for another morphine shot.

To make this not too lengthy, yes the pain was tremendous. Yes I was not in my happy place. Yes the transfer from the stretcher to my room for the next three days was hell on earth (kinda wanted to bite my porter's head off). Yes I hated being connected from a few body parts to machines and tubes. Yes I didn't like the feeling it gave me of being drugged up. Yes the hospital food was Blah (and I did mean to write that with a capital B) but you know what? There were also some great things. My nurses were Fabulous (with a capital F). My sister Camille stayed with me every single minute of those 4 days in the hospital. She tended to me like I have never been tended to. She went above and beyond the call of duty for helping a sister out. The sun was shining. My pillow was non stopped fluffed. I felt the love of close ones. I got a few visits that cheered me up (some expected and some not) but most of all, I made it through. I lost some internal stuff but gained a ton of strength. I did this thing that is tremendously scary, that if I could have, would have run as fast as I could in the opposite direction but I didn't. With my family and friends around me, I faced it and did it. A week and a bit later, I am home, eating, resting, reading, watching probably a tad too much of 'Friends' and smiling a whole lot. All in all, this has been a positive experience. Weird that I can say that but I am.

Next step is to see my oncologist at the end of August to get the pathology results. I am confident, as is she, that everything will be good. She said that everything looked good, so for now, I will go with that and am confident that will be her final words. There may be some weird times ahead with the menopause stuff but so far so good. Nothing to report on so hope that continues. I look forward to my iron levels going up finally, to gaining some energy and from this point on, face each new fear with a straighter back and bigger smile.

Thanks everyone for the support, kind words, flowers, books, DVD's, candy. I could not have done this without all that. I hope that I can somehow repay each and every one of you. How about I try by living each day with a new attitude, new outlook and new energy. I'm gonna be around for a long time so hope that works for ya all.

WHAM! BAM! POW! I did this.

XOXO

Change of plans....

As much of a planner as I am, I have to also understand and come to terms with plans sometimes changing.....and this time they have. Over the last week I have gotten more information that has impacted my decision about my ovaries (to keep of not to keep...). I have once again been rejected by CHEO Genetics for testing. The way they function is they make up a percentage of your increased risk factor dependant on your family medical history, what cancers are present in the family, who had them, how distant a relative are they, how old were they at diagnosis, how old were they when they died, etc. So the number that was generated for me has not changed since I first inquired about testing back in 2010. Even though there is male breast cancer in the family (which I was told male breast cancer is always caused by a mutation) it is too distant from me. Also with mom having ovarian cancer, just one close relative is not enough for them to put you through to testing. They qualify you for testing when two close relatives would have either ovarian, breast or colon. Or they would have qualified me had mom had breast AND ovarian cancer. My cancer, cervical cancer, doesn't change their views or doesn't make them feel I should get tested. I've been having a real hard time fully understanding their concepts on how they accept some, reject some. I am not just someone who has nothing going on asking to get tested for the damn fun of it. I have a particular situation that would probably grant me some sort of peace of mind or a better view of the big picture to help make some pretty serious decisions toward my future. Alas, I was upset, angry, quite angry....but I don't like to hang onto anger for too long so it's passed, and I've accepted.


So here I was, yet again, with a big decision to make. To keep or not to keep. I took a step back, away from the emotional attachment of the memories of 5 years back. I had to look at how I function, what my habits are and what I would be most comfortable with moving forward. The thing was, I had to make a decision but I had to make one knowing I would not be able to go back and be comfortable with that. Menopause is a natural part of life. All women go through it (if we are so lucky to reach that age and continue to live on much later). It is natural. It's been studied. It is manageable. Ovarian cancer is NOT manageable. I think if I decided to keep that one lone little ovary in, to what, avoid some hot flashes and postpone the inevitable for maybe 10 years if I was lucky and then got ovarian cancer, would I regret not having removed it all, knowing I could have done something to avoid the mess of chemo and cancer in another part of my body. Would I be able to live with that? NO. I would not have. I would have kicked myself. I could have done something about it. I could have removed it all and managed menopause. But it would be too late. I can't live with that. So there you have it. Ovaries are getting removed along with all the rest of the kit and kaboodle. In less than two weeks, I will be a post-menopausal woman and I will deal with the changes that come with it one by one. With that decision made, I feel comfortable. I feel at peace with it. I feel ready to take this on (mind you scared shitless nonetheless).

I have 4 days of work left and can barely think straight. I just hope that I don't have any important decisions to make during these last few days cause I am sure I don't make any sense. I am not sleeping much, not thinking about much else than what is around the corner. I don't want August 2nd to get here yet I can't wait for August 2nd to get here. See, told ya I am not making sense of things.....

A few lines from the book I am reading....

'For One More Day' by Mitch Albom

Page 172-
I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart. ...


It's been that kind of day....

The latest....not necessarily the greatest....

This week was a busy week. This week was an intense week. This week felt very hard and I felt I had to make one of those hard life decisions that you just don't know you are making quite the best decision...this being said, I feel as good as I can with my decision and feel I made the best one for this time in my life and based on the information I do have at this time.

Wednesday I had a full abdominal and pelvic ultrasound. This was done to look at all the organs (pancreas, liver, bladder, gallbladder) as well as to check in on my kidneys....if you read my previous post, you'll understand my excitement when I announce.....I have two kidneys, and two functional kidneys. Pretty thrilling. Yes I am hanging on to every ounce of good news at this point. All looks well from what they can see, although they find my uterus is quite larger than the normal uterus. There I go again needing to be different in one way or another. LOL.

My decision: I have chosen, with the support of my oncologist, to keeping in one ovary until I have more genetic information. I just feel better knowing that if the genetic information comes back stating a mutation, that I can still do something about it, and I would very quickly. But if the genetics came back saying all looks well, no mutation is present, then I would be glad to not have to face menopause until naturally started (hopefully in my late 40's, or early 50's).

So surgery is scheduled: Friday, August 2nd. It's quick but I guess this is a good sign. Genetics is now trying to get me in ASAP but nothing is guaranteed. The surgery will remove cervix, uterus, both fallopian tubes and one ovary. My doctor will decide which ovary looks the healthiest and remove the other. Of course there is a possibility that she does feel the need to remove both and I leave that call to her, being the expert and all. Hopefully I will get in to speak with the menopause specialist next week in case it does happen. The surgery will be quite intense and so will recovery seeing as the incision was decided as a vertical one. The reason I was given is because of the large uterus, they need to get a good look to see what is going on in there and if they do a bikini line incision, it`s hard to get a good look. All for the best. The way I am looking at this is that the scar will represent survival. It may take me a while to completely accept such a huge scar on my stomach but will hopefully reach a point of thinking that way. Because of this surgery, I will have been given the chance to a longer life, more years with my gorgeous husband, to see my beautiful children grow old, my sisters, dad, my friends....Recovery is a good six weeks, with a slow transition back to work. I have to say I am blessed with having such great support at work as well as I will feel some guilt no matter what with being away for so long. But hopefully I will come back stronger, more resilient, more energized.

I`m nervous, I`m excited to get the show on the road. There are still lots of questions going on in my head but that is just my nature. I question everything and the answers, as scary as they can sometimes be, bring me comfort. I feel supported by my team of doctors and they have encouraged my questions and my curiosity. Dealing with specialists is quite different than just dealing with family practitioners (although I have also been blessed with the best family doctor). You really feel that a small team has been formed, with you being a part of it, to reach a common goal.

So for now I have 3 weeks of work left, with a few appointments in there, while trying to keep calm and grounded. I`ll keep you posted on anything new from now until surgery day, and of course touch base once I am back home which will be between 3 and 5 days post surgery. If you know me, 6 weeks of resting will be quite challenging. If you want to come and keep me entertained, touch base. I am sure that at some point, I will be craving some company, some stories, gossip and laughter. Just hope the laughing doesn't hurt my belly too much. I cannot not giggle at least once in a day.

Now to start decreasing my coffee intake to avoid the massive headache I had some withdrawal at the last surgery.

XOXO

“You can't make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.”
― Michelle Obama