Change of plans....

As much of a planner as I am, I have to also understand and come to terms with plans sometimes changing.....and this time they have. Over the last week I have gotten more information that has impacted my decision about my ovaries (to keep of not to keep...). I have once again been rejected by CHEO Genetics for testing. The way they function is they make up a percentage of your increased risk factor dependant on your family medical history, what cancers are present in the family, who had them, how distant a relative are they, how old were they at diagnosis, how old were they when they died, etc. So the number that was generated for me has not changed since I first inquired about testing back in 2010. Even though there is male breast cancer in the family (which I was told male breast cancer is always caused by a mutation) it is too distant from me. Also with mom having ovarian cancer, just one close relative is not enough for them to put you through to testing. They qualify you for testing when two close relatives would have either ovarian, breast or colon. Or they would have qualified me had mom had breast AND ovarian cancer. My cancer, cervical cancer, doesn't change their views or doesn't make them feel I should get tested. I've been having a real hard time fully understanding their concepts on how they accept some, reject some. I am not just someone who has nothing going on asking to get tested for the damn fun of it. I have a particular situation that would probably grant me some sort of peace of mind or a better view of the big picture to help make some pretty serious decisions toward my future. Alas, I was upset, angry, quite angry....but I don't like to hang onto anger for too long so it's passed, and I've accepted.


So here I was, yet again, with a big decision to make. To keep or not to keep. I took a step back, away from the emotional attachment of the memories of 5 years back. I had to look at how I function, what my habits are and what I would be most comfortable with moving forward. The thing was, I had to make a decision but I had to make one knowing I would not be able to go back and be comfortable with that. Menopause is a natural part of life. All women go through it (if we are so lucky to reach that age and continue to live on much later). It is natural. It's been studied. It is manageable. Ovarian cancer is NOT manageable. I think if I decided to keep that one lone little ovary in, to what, avoid some hot flashes and postpone the inevitable for maybe 10 years if I was lucky and then got ovarian cancer, would I regret not having removed it all, knowing I could have done something to avoid the mess of chemo and cancer in another part of my body. Would I be able to live with that? NO. I would not have. I would have kicked myself. I could have done something about it. I could have removed it all and managed menopause. But it would be too late. I can't live with that. So there you have it. Ovaries are getting removed along with all the rest of the kit and kaboodle. In less than two weeks, I will be a post-menopausal woman and I will deal with the changes that come with it one by one. With that decision made, I feel comfortable. I feel at peace with it. I feel ready to take this on (mind you scared shitless nonetheless).

I have 4 days of work left and can barely think straight. I just hope that I don't have any important decisions to make during these last few days cause I am sure I don't make any sense. I am not sleeping much, not thinking about much else than what is around the corner. I don't want August 2nd to get here yet I can't wait for August 2nd to get here. See, told ya I am not making sense of things.....